Hard To Breathe

I read recently, "your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts". I love this quote, and I wish I knew who to give the credit to for it. I guess I will just have to credit good old "Anonymous". =) There is so much truth in that quote. I am realizing as I look back at the things that have occured in my life, that even though they were painful and shameful, God has chosen to let me use these things for GOOD! I am given the opportunity to let those deepest hurts mold my present ministry into something beautiful and effective.

I blogged a couple months back that there is purpose in the pain. I have to remind myself on a daily basis that through my weakness I will be made strong. I lost my daddy on April 24, 2012. It has been such a hard thing to understand and to deal with. I understand that he is in Heaven. My daddy is no longer suffering, no longer in any pain. I have heard so many times that it is much harder for the people who are left behind. I haven't ever lost someone this close to me before. The pain is hard to bear some days. I cried a lot during the last few weeks of his life all the way up to the day he passed. At his service, I was strong. I didn't cry hardly at all. I haven't cried since his service...until today. May 15, 2012...exactly 23 days since he left this earth.

 Today I had a bit of an emotional meltdown. I dreamt about my dad last night. I remember bits and pieces of the dream and can see my daddy's face perfectly. When I woke up this morning, my heart was instantly heavy. I went into the bathroom and started crying almost immediately. I had a few distractions throughout my morning/early afternoon, and that helped me not focus so much on my pain. I have cried on and off all day long. The pain of missing my dad is so great that words cannot seem to adequately describe how I feel. It hurts so much that there is a knot in my throat, a heaviness in my chest, and I find it difficult to breathe.

The process of grief has been foreign to me, until now. I still don't understand it, and it seems to creep up on me in the most unexpected times. I am thankful for godly friends who love me and care enough for me to lift me up in prayer. I am thankful for a God who knows the pain I feel, the grief I bear, the sadness that overwhelms my heart and being. I rely on God's strength to pull me through this very difficult chapter of my journey. There is always purpose in the pain. One day, I will be able to help someone else who has lost someone close to them. I will always miss my daddy and will always have a void where he once was.

I am thankful for this tough time in my life. I know that God will use this time of sadness to help mold and shape me into more of what He wants me to be. I praise God for each trial I have faced in my past, the pain I am encountering in my present, and the ways that He will use each and every tear that has rolled down my cheeks, every groan that only the Holy Spirit can interpret, and every heartache that makes it hard to breathe in order to fulfill the bigger picture of my future.

There is a purpose for everything under heaven. Death is a part of life. He gives and takes away. One day I will see my daddy again, and I am so excited for that day. Until then, I will continue to move through this process of grieving. I will continue to have those moments when I cry because the pain of missing my daddy is too much to bear. I will continue to praise God for all the things/people that I have in my life at this very moment, and even the dear and precious things/people that He has taken away. God is good.