I'm in a very open and vulnerable mood today. Ready to just lay it all down on the page. I sit here this morning, overwhelmed. I am faced with a lot of emotions...doubt, fear, concern, worry, regret, disappointment, anxiety, frustration...to name a few. These emotions are damaging. That is why I just need to get this out of my system right now, cling to the TRUTH that only God can provide, and watch Him use my anxiety and turn it into peace. I hate those days when all I want to do is cry. It's like, I am just not sure if I can pinpoint the precise reason...I just wanna cry. Today I just want to crawl in my bed, pull the covers over my head and "boo-hoo" for a while. The difference in me now, and how I would have been even just 10 months ago should be enough to pop me right back into my "positive" bubble...and honestly, as I just wrote that and began to dwell on the major strides that I have made over the past 10 months, it has indeed already begun to lift my heavy spirit.
I have these moments every once in a while where I just get so overwhelmed, and things begin to look like GIANTS in my path. For instance, when I think too far into my future I begin to freak out a little. I need to find a place to live...that is scary. I need to know that when I am on my own completely, that I will be able to financially take care of myself...very scary. I'm terrified. Yet, as I am writing this, I have been so graciously reminded, by my God, that we only have TODAY. We cannot wrap ourselves up in tomorrow...for, honestly, it may never come. We only have the moment we are in. With that said, my heavy spirit is beginning to feel another lift.
Matthew 6:25-34 NLT says, "That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life - whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lillies of the field and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? So don't worry about these things, saying, 'What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?' These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries.Today's trouble is enough for today."
Wow! As I typed in every word above from Matthew 6, God's compassion for me came down and comforted me. "Why do you have so little faith?" That question really hit me. The core of my concern, anxiety, worry, doubt, fear, discouragement is all rooted in a lack of faith. I do believe I am valuable to God...I am seeking his Kingdom, and I am striving each day to live righteously...so why am I worrying at all - when His promise is that He will give me everything I need. My Heavenly Father already knows my needs!! He already knows what will transpire in 20 minutes from now. He already knows, He cares, and He will be faithful to those who are faithful to Him.
It is so cool how dwelling on what is TRUE will completely transform your life. I go back to the message I heard last Sunday. In order for the promises of God to come into fruition in our lives...we MUST allow our faith to appropriate those promises. We cannot just say, "oh yes, God is good. He will provide my need". No, I am called to an action right now. I am called to not only believe that God is good...and that He will provide all of my needs...I must move forward in my life in FAITH, understanding that only through my faith will I ever have a single need in my life provided from my Father. I have got to take my worry and replace it with FAITH. That is an action. That
Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.“
About 4 years ago, I was challenged by a Pastor of mine to read the Psalms every day and journal every day about what that particular passage spoke to me. Well, first of all let me just say that I love the Psalms. I am able to identify with David in so many areas. His life and my life are so much alike in so many ways, that when I read about his raw emotions and his heart cries...when I read about his victories and triumphs...when I read about his sadness and depression, anxiety and grief...I can completely relate. So, I began reading in Psalm. I get to Psalm 55: 1-8 NLT, and this is the experience that David shared...
"Listen to my prayer, O God. Do not ignore my cry for help! Please listen and answer me, for I am overwhelmed by my troubles. My enemies shout at me, making loud and wicked threats. They bring trouble on me and angrily hunt me down. My heart pounds in my chest. The terror of death assaults me. Fear and trembling overwhelm me, and I can’t stop shaking. Oh, that I had wings like a dove;
then I would fly away and rest! I would fly far away to the quiet of the wilderness. How quickly I would escape—far from this wild storm of hatred."
David just described a full-on panic attack! I cannot tell you how much I can relate to these verses. "Fear and trembling overwhelm me, and I can't stop shaking. Oh, that I had wings like a dove; then I would fly away and rest!" I have wanted to escape and rest many times when I am in the midst of my anxiety. Even as I started this blog post today...I was overwhelmed with anxiety. I woke up this morning literally with a stomach ache because of the anxiety I allowed to overcome my body. These are vulnerable moments that, if not ushered into God's presence and put before God to handle, will completely consume you. I was faced with a choice today. Allow myself to be guided by feelings or guided by TRUTH. I know where my feelings have led me before...down a spiral of negativity and grief. When you allow yourself to be guided by TRUTH, you are lifted and set free.
As I am growing in my faith and relationship with God - I am learning some key things. First...I have got to humble myself...He promises that He will lift us up!! He promises...but we have to appropriate our FAITH with an action of humbling ourselves, believing He will lift us up! Second...I have to approach Him boldly and ask Him to be my Strength. I cannot do anything without His help! Nothing, nada, zip!! David approached God boldly...he said, "Listen to my prayer, O God. Do not ignore my cry for help! Please listen and answer me, for I am overwhelmed by my troubles." He boldly asks His God for help. Thirdly...I have to appropriate my FAITH, and believe that when I ask God - HE WILL DO IT!! A little later in Psalm 55: 16-19 NLT, David appropriates his faith: " But I will call on God, and the Lord will rescue me. Morning, noon, and night I cry out in my distress, and the Lord hears my voice. He ransoms me and keeps me safe from the battle waged against me, though many still oppose me. God, who has ruled forever, will hear me and humble them." David was bold, and he believed.
At the end of Psalm 55 NLT, David reminds us with this: "Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall."
So, I started out this blog discouraged, overwhelmed, upset physically and emotionally...and instead of turning to my emotions and allowing them to get one more minute of my time - I took it to God. I titled my post "God, Please Steady My Heart"...I titled it before I ever wrote one word...and He heard my cry. He has calmed me and given me a peace that only He can give. If you turn to Truth, you will be set free every time. I am amazed by God's infinite grace and love for me. I am not worthy of a single ounce of His mercy, yet every single day He extends it to me. The last and most important key thing that I am learning as I continue to grow in my faith and relationship with God is this: Praise Him through it all. As I go through each day, I am reminded that more than anything, He wants our praise.
Thank you for letting me share my moments of doubt with you today...and allowing me to navigate right in front of your eyes my way to Truth and Peace.
