One year ago today, I was headed in to my 3rd shift job...I was distracted, overwhelmed with so many emotions. I was scared, sad, and in disbelief that my Dad was dying. After my shift ended at 8am that next morning, I drove to the hospice facility that he was transferred to from the hospital. I was not prepared for what I saw that morning. My dad was in pain...he wasn't eating anymore...my mom told me that he stopped communicating, aside from a few moans and ocassionally calling my mom's name "Bren".(I absolutely LOVED hearing my dad call my mom "Bren"...short for Brenda)
I walked into that hospice room that early morning. My mom was by my Daddy's side (as she had been for over 52 years...and the last couple months of that 52 years at his side in the hospital, barely leaving his side that entire time. She was such a faithful, loving, compassionate wife. It was dark in the room...my Dad was hooked up to on oxygen machine, an IV with morphine to keep him comfortable. They were no longer giving him medications to live...only to make his last moments more comfortable. As I watched my Daddy struggle to breathe...as he would pull out his oxygen...as he would struggle to rest...and just couldn't be calm...I remember that moment so vividly. I remember it as if it just happened. I remember looking at my mom...seeing the exhaustion in her eyes...seeing the fear in her eyes as she knew that it wasn't going to be long before the love of her life slipped into eternity.
My mom is one of the strongest women I know. She loved my Daddy and he loved her. I realized at that moment that something really special and precious to us was about to be lost...about to be gone, forever on this earth. My mom told me a few times that he just wasn't responding anymore...I think she could see the fear and hurt in my eyes when I didn't hear "hey, kiddo" from my dad when I walked in. She had to get close to him and tell him that I was there. He wasn't able to communicate with me...he just wrestled in pain and wasn't quite there anymore. I began to cry...longing to hear his voice just once more...but knowing that it just wasn't possible. There was just nothing that could have ever prepared me for that moment.
After a little bit of time passed I found myself so overwhelmed that I hugged my mom, checked to see if there was anything she needed, and told her I had to go. She completely understood. As I was getting ready to leave, I stood over by my Daddy's side...grabbed his hand...and I leaned in close to his ear and said "I love you, Dad". I gave him a kiss on his forehead, gave his hand one last squeeze and I turned to walk away...what happened next was the most precious gift that God could have EVER given me...as I was walking away, my Daddy said with all of the strength he could muster..."I LOVE YOU!"
That was my last encounter with my Daddy. The very last words either of us spoke to each other were: "I LOVE YOU". Such a beautiful way to say goodbye.
Not a single day goes by that I don't miss my Daddy. I think of him all of the time and long to hear his voice or his laugh...I wish I could see his contagious smile once more...One day I will see him again, and until then I will forever have the precious memories of my Daddy...and best of all the precious gift of such a beautiful goodbye.
Tomorrow you will have been gone an entire year...it's hard to believe. Can't wait to see you again! "I LOVE YOU"...
