Baby Steps...

So, I just read a really cool story. It is so awesome how God will give you little nuggets of encouragement just when you need it. I am reading a book called, "I Really Want To Change...So, Help Me God" by James MacDonald. It is a great book, and is very practical. If you are looking to make real changes in your life, I highly recommend this book. Anyway, back to this "nugget" I speak of...I read this today and it really put things into focus for me regarding making changes. This is regarding the spiritual changes, emotional changes, and also the physical changes that I am facing while on this brand new journey of losing weight and becoming a healthier person.

"Back in the 1800's, residents of Niagara Falls wanted to build a suspension bridge across the Niagara Gorge at Niagara Falls. Remember, of course, that engineering then was not what it is today. The problem they faced was how to initially span the wide gorge with the rushing Niagara rapids beneath them. The engineers were stumped, so they held a contest inviting the locals to submit their best ideas. The person who won the contest suggested they take a kite, when the winds were favorable, and fly it across the gorge, landing it on the other side.

Incredibly, the majestic suspension bridge which stands to this day began with a little kite and string. To the string they attached a rope and pulled it across. The rope was used to pull across a chain. The chain was used to pull across a cord. The cord was used to pull across a cable. Upon those iron cables they began to build the concrete structure which became the mighty Niagara Bridge. All that strength and power began with a little string."

Wow, to think that something so massive and so sturdy was initially built by using a string with a kite attached to the end of it! It makes me realize that great things come from small beginnings. We live in an instant gratification type of society these days. We live in the age where anything you could possibly want is at your fingertips...you know, "there's an app for that"! I know for myself, I just want to skip the smaller beginnings...I want to slide right past the struggle and the pain...and just arrive at that GREAT structure at the end. I want it to be instant and perfect. Well, that isn't how it happens. Anything worth changing will welcome struggle and discomfort in your life, however, when you work through that pain and that discomfort the product on the other side is that much sweeter and that much stronger.

These thoughts that I share are things that I need to hear and that I need to start implementing in my own personal life. I do not share these things as if I have arrived to this place where I am now able to tell other people how they should clean up their own life. I will never arrive to that place where I know it all and can help others arrive. We are in this together! I need friends who are willing to be real. I need friends who are not too proud to say, "hey, you know, I really need your prayers regarding this certain struggle in my life"...I need friends who are willing to listen to me share my struggles and pray with and for me regarding those things in my life. I need friends who can take off the judge's robe and set down the gavel...become human and real, understanding that we are all saved by grace. We are all in this together. I need friends who will lock arms with me, hold hands, and say "let's do this"...TOGETHER.

Not only am I embarking on a physical change that will lead me into a life of healthy living...I am also being transformed on the inside. God is working in my life. It is humbling and very exciting all at the same time. I share my struggles with you, and I share my victories with you. I want God to get all the glory for the things He has brought and taken away in my life. To Him be all the glory! I will be honest with you, even if it isn't the most popular thing! I will share the unlovely side of me, because I am not perfect. I am so very human in every aspect of that word. I struggle. I hurt. I cry. I also rejoice. I worship a Sovereign God. I laugh. I make stupid jokes...(some things will never change). I am a work in progress...and what is exciting to see is that it is in motion...the progress is happening. =)

Step by step...second by second...minute by minute...hour by hour...day by day...week by week...month by month...year by year...It is a process. It is meant to work in steps. I am learning patience (though you will NEVER catch me praying for it...seriously!). I am learning to push a little harder. Endure a little longer. Allow a situation to fully play out before I so quickly jump ship. There is purpose in the pain. There is joy through trials. I want to find out what is on the other side of this huge mountain I face. I no longer just want to hear about it!

Secondhand Worship

Tonight, as I sat in my room, I decided to go on to youtube.com and listen to some of my favorite Christian Artists and watch some of their videos. I listened to artists like Natalie Grant and Kari Jobe. I saw a post that had Kari Jobe speaking on the subject of "worship". Now, if you know me at all, you will know that worship is something I am passionate about. I believe with my entire being that the calling God put on my life is to help lead others into genuine, authentic, beautiful worship. Wow, as I typed that last sentence, I was convicted with the question "well, then why aren't you pursuing it with your entire being?"...ouch, I just stepped on my own toes...is that possible? That will have to be addressed in another blog...after I talk to God in detail about that one! I don't have a good answer, therefore, I believe God is trying to make a point and show me that leading worship IS MY CALLING! I need to stop searching...that is what I am supposed to do!

Anyway, back on track - if that is even possible! Back to Worship. My most favorite subject ever! Worship doesn't only exist on the platform of a church or the stage of a concert. It starts in the heart. Worship should be cultivated in your own personal relationship with God. It starts in the quiet of your moments with God. It grows and matures each time you meet with God. In order to help lead others into an authentic, pure, beautiful, genuine worship...you must be a worshipper in the quiet place...in that place between you and God. You cannot lead others to enter into the realm of worship if you have never been there before.

I heard a really cool analogy regarding something we experience most these days, unfortunately. It is called secondhand worship. You know, similar to the second hand stores, or the gently used clothing stores. A lot of times, myself included, we will rush to get ready on Sunday morning and basically run into church maybe a minute or two late. You can hear the music playing, and maybe you have already missed a song. So, you slip in. You stand with everyone else...and you wait. You see the worship leader pouring their heart our in worship. You see others joining in. Some have joined in more enthusiastically with their hands raised and swaying back and forth. Some are more reserved with maybe their hands closed together over their hearts, singing to the Lord. Then there are a few, mouthing the lyrics, not singing out, maybe arms are folded. There are some who aren't moved by music and worship at all. Now, you are somewhere in the middle. You may not be as enthusiastic as the one who raises their hands, but you most certainly are moved by worship in music. So, while you wait to "be blessed", you take on the worship that has been handed down from those who are experiencing true, authentic, blessed, genuine, personal worship. You adapt what they have experienced and taken it on as your own worship. It seems to fit right, it is comfortable, and has been gently used. Second hand worship.

Here is the truth about worship. You don't have to wait until Sunday morning service at your church to be able to experience it. We serve a God who lives in our hearts and instead of having to get our worship from other people, we can get it first from God. We can be refueled daily. The very moment you sit down in your spirit, asking God to meet with you, He will meet with you!! We need to guard our worship. It is such a precious time between your Maker and you. It is a personal time of reflection on who God is and the promises He has made. We need to seek after God. We need to worship Him in our quiet place. God promises this...if you give him the first of who you are, He will give you the first of Who He is! Don't settle for someone elses worship. Be clothed in your own authentic, personal worship with your God.

God will meet you right where you are right at this very moment. All you have to do is ask. Create space for God. Be filled with His presence. Seek Him in the quiet, personal time. When we seek God and worship Him in the quiet place, we can minister from the overflow of our hearts!

Isaiah 55:6-7 MSG "Seek God while he's here to be found, pray to him while he's close at hand. Let the wicked abandon their way of life and the evil their way of thinking. Let them come back to God, who is merciful, come back to our God, who is lavish with forgiveness."

Psalm 2:10b MSG "Worship God in adoring embrace..."

I'm Still 'Jenny From the Block'...

I cannot count how many times I have had someone sing these lyrics to me, "I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block"... or say, "Hey...Jenny from da block". If you aren't familiar, don't worry about it! You aren't missing anything, really! It's a song by the Latino actress and singer Jennifer Lopez...aka JLo. She sung this song called "Jenny From The Block". It mentions things like, "don't be fooled by the 'rocks' that I got...(translation-all her flashy stuff/jewlry/cars/money/fame)... I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block" (translation-she hasn't forgotten where she came from, which was The Bronx, NY).

Now, as you all are WELL aware, there aren't any "rocks" that I got. I am not famous. I am not wealthy, or at least not as the world may view wealth (materialistic/money/cars/houses/etc). I also didn't physically come from The Bronx, or the projects, or the streets. I grew up very differently. The reason I named this post "I'm Still Jenny From the Block" is completely different than the actual lyrics of the song. However, I think the principle could still remain...and, I thought it was kinda funny! (Truth be told!)

It wasn't that long ago that I was talking with another Christian about his personal journey. He hadn't been a Christian all that long, maybe 4 or 5 years. He talked about the things he did before he met Christ. How he lived however he wanted. He didn't care who he hurt, and had great revenge for those who hurt him. He was married for a long time, but after more than a decade it began to fall apart. He began to drink. It started as a way to get back at his nagging wife. He did it to spite her. Eventually what he used as an act of spite turned into an addiction and he became an alcoholic. He would get into bar fights, would curse a lot, struggled with adult material, he got divorced. He went bankrupt and pretty much lost everything he had. This was all before he came to know Christ.

Now that he has found Christ, he has chosen to submerge himself into Scriptural studies. He has been sober for almost 5 years. He still struggles with certain things, but he makes sure to deal with them immediately, and confess them to God. He strives for a restored relationship with Christ. He has good intentions. The problem is...it seems he has forgotten where he came from. It seems as if pride has creeped in, and compassion has been extinguished.

We were hanging out one night, and were walking the main streets of this little town. It was getting later and we had just left a pizza place, where we had spent a little time eating, laughing, and getting to know each other. We had leftover pizza and we boxed it up. As soon as we stepped outside of the pizza place, a homeless man approached us. He asked if he could have a piece of pizza. My first instinct was to say yes, however, I didn't pay for it! So I just looked at my friend, and he abruptly said NO. When the man walked away, my friend was so disgusted that this man asked for food. Thoughts in my head were...How dare he ask for food...I mean, he's homeless. What was he thinking? (<<<insert sarasm!>>>) I didn't pay for the pizza, therefore I smiled and moved on!

Don't misunderstand my point. No, I don't think you are a bad person if you have leftovers and you choose not to share them with a homeless person. It's your choice. My point is, my friend's response to this homeless man kinda put me off. I mean, who are we to judge someone for being homeless? He has to survive. Therefore he will put his pride down and ask for food. I guess it was more the attitude of my friend that made me a little annoyed. He almost laughed disgustingly at this man. As if we were better. No one is better or worse in God's eyes! Plus, I know what it is like to have missed a few meals, not intentionally, but because I simply didn't have the money for it. It took a lot of guts for this grown man to ask someone for food. I haven't ever been homeless, and I haven't ever gone a long time without food, nor have I had to ask anyone for it...but I could relate to a very tiny part of this man's reality.

Later that evening we were walking this little city's streets. There were a lot of people getting intoxicated around us. When people are intoxicated...aka drunk off their buttawshkies...they do stupid things. We ducked into a coffee shop to enjoy a moment of quiet. As my friend was waiting to get out of a door, this intoxicated man wouldn't move. This drunk guy thought it was funny to pin my friend in. Not so much! My friend stiff shouldered this guy so hard that it forced him against the wall. My friend came back to the table so proud of what he did. How is that showing others...especially someone who is clearly not thinking straight...that Jesus loves them? My friend said that this jerk had no right to block him in and he even dared to laugh at him. All I could think was...yeah, kinda like we have done to Christ. We left quickly as now OUR safety was in jeaopardy. And personally, I am not in the mood to fight anyone...EVER! As we left, we came across more people who were clearly publically intoxicated. My friend was utterly disgusted with these people's actions. He looked down upon them, as if we were better than these people.

Pride and Christianity do not belong in the same sentence. Jesus was humble. He humbly died on the cross for our sins. He loves each and every one of us. He sees us as perfect in His eyes. No sin is greater than another. We, in our world where we tend to departmentalize just about everything, would tend to disagree with this fact. God sees sin as sin. No sin is greater or smaller.

I just wanna be "Jenny from the block". I want to be real. I want to exude Christ. I want to allow Christ to shine through me so much that others feel loved and accepted. I never want to forget where I have been and where I come from. It is through my deepest hurt and my darkest struggle that I am able to understand people more and how to empathize with other friends who are also hurting and struggling. I have a love for other people. Not just Christians. I love people. I am a friend. I long to point others to Christ. I haven't always desired to be a good example, or for others to even know that I was a Christian. Now, I just want to be who I am in Christ, serve God, love people WHERE THEY ARE AT, and help any way I can. I pray that God will break any pride that I may ever have. I am not a judge...nor do I wish to be a judge. I wish to love and be a friend. God is so good and wishes for everyone to experience His unconditional love.

If you are a friend of mine and you don't know what I mean by being a Christian, you don't understand why I talk about God, "serving" God, or what it means to be loved unconditionally by such a gracious God...send me a message. You can email me at: mycardboardbox@live.com. I will keep your email confidential, and would be happy to share more about my faith, if you are interested. =) I love all my dear friends.

**singing, "Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got. I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block"..........

The Power of Praise

I thank You for the bitter things

They've been a friend to grace,

They've driven me from the paths

   of ease

To storm the secret place.

-Florence White Willett

I am learning more and more lately that through each difficulty I face, big or small, is an opportunity to see God work. In God's time, He will bring me out to a place of abundance. Each trial that I face has been used in a way to humble me and help perfect my faith.

There is a really beautiful song sung by the Christian group Casting Crowns called "Praise You In The Storm". The very first time I heard it I wasn't in a good place spiritually or mentally. I remember thinking..."yeah, some may be able to praise God through their storm, but not me...my pain is too great...I am angry, hurt, annoyed, bitter, and utterly disgusted at even the sight of anything Christ-centered"  (Just keeping it real! Sometimes the things we think and say to ourselves isn't always pretty or appropriate) I was convinced that my pain was so great and so unique (very selfish) and no one could possibly know how I feel. I didn't want to praise God through my storm. No way! If anything, I was angry with God for putting me through a storm at all. Why would such a supposedly "loving" God allow things to happen in my life that caused such pain and suffering? Why?

While I was going through my supposedly "unique and no one else could ever understand or relate to me" storm, I was living with a dear friend of mine who was also facing her own storm. I was way too selfish to try to help her in any way. What is the saying, you can't save someone else from drowning, when you are drowning yourself. I can't remember exactly how that goes, but you get the idea. Well, even through that situation of watching my friend's marriage crumble in front of both of us, it affected us both so incredibly differently. You see, my dear friend chose to praise God through her storm. She chose to put God first, praise Him through the pain of her situation, and in return God sustained her. Her storm was so big, HUGE in fact, but her God was much much bigger. Even though I wanted nothing to do with anything Christian, her dedication to Christ and unwaivering faith spoke volumes to me. I will always remember her faithfulness. Even to this day, she remains faithful and has been so incredibly blessed by God. It's so awesome to see.

I, on the other hand, chose not to praise God through my storms. I did the opposite. In many ways, through the way I lived and my choice to shut God out and anyone else who may have tried to point me to God, I cursed God. Because of that choice, God was silent. Don't misunderstand, though. God never left my side. He was always faithful to me. His love for me never changed, never waivered. He was always just one prayer of repentance away from rescuing me. You see, God doesn't force Himself on us. That is why we have what is called a free will.

The point of this post is simple. When we praise God through our storms, through our difficult circumstances, through our hopeless situations, He will sustain us and provide the strength we need in order to get through those storms. He also promises to work all those things together for our good. When we depend on God's sovereignty to hold us up in our difficult times, we become stronger in our faith. Our praise begins to mature and grow into a strong, unwaivering, and beautiful song.

Now, if you are in the place of silence...a place I spent about 7-8 years at...if you are bitter and angry; if you scoff at the thought of praising God through your circumstance...I want you to know this: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Even though you are angry, even though you cannot understand why God would let things happen, even if you want nothing to do with God...GOD LOVES YOU!! His love isn't conditional. His love is faithful, unwaivering, and available to you at any time. He loves you right now at the very place you are at right now. You are one prayer away from reconciliation.

I am still learning to praise God through my storm. It becomes a lot easier the more you practice it! It is worth every tear, every heartache, every pain...because God can be glorified through every single trial we face. We are also more equipped to help others while they face their storms.

 I John 4:11-12

"Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another...if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us."

Hard To Breathe

I read recently, "your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts". I love this quote, and I wish I knew who to give the credit to for it. I guess I will just have to credit good old "Anonymous". =) There is so much truth in that quote. I am realizing as I look back at the things that have occured in my life, that even though they were painful and shameful, God has chosen to let me use these things for GOOD! I am given the opportunity to let those deepest hurts mold my present ministry into something beautiful and effective.

I blogged a couple months back that there is purpose in the pain. I have to remind myself on a daily basis that through my weakness I will be made strong. I lost my daddy on April 24, 2012. It has been such a hard thing to understand and to deal with. I understand that he is in Heaven. My daddy is no longer suffering, no longer in any pain. I have heard so many times that it is much harder for the people who are left behind. I haven't ever lost someone this close to me before. The pain is hard to bear some days. I cried a lot during the last few weeks of his life all the way up to the day he passed. At his service, I was strong. I didn't cry hardly at all. I haven't cried since his service...until today. May 15, 2012...exactly 23 days since he left this earth.

 Today I had a bit of an emotional meltdown. I dreamt about my dad last night. I remember bits and pieces of the dream and can see my daddy's face perfectly. When I woke up this morning, my heart was instantly heavy. I went into the bathroom and started crying almost immediately. I had a few distractions throughout my morning/early afternoon, and that helped me not focus so much on my pain. I have cried on and off all day long. The pain of missing my dad is so great that words cannot seem to adequately describe how I feel. It hurts so much that there is a knot in my throat, a heaviness in my chest, and I find it difficult to breathe.

The process of grief has been foreign to me, until now. I still don't understand it, and it seems to creep up on me in the most unexpected times. I am thankful for godly friends who love me and care enough for me to lift me up in prayer. I am thankful for a God who knows the pain I feel, the grief I bear, the sadness that overwhelms my heart and being. I rely on God's strength to pull me through this very difficult chapter of my journey. There is always purpose in the pain. One day, I will be able to help someone else who has lost someone close to them. I will always miss my daddy and will always have a void where he once was.

I am thankful for this tough time in my life. I know that God will use this time of sadness to help mold and shape me into more of what He wants me to be. I praise God for each trial I have faced in my past, the pain I am encountering in my present, and the ways that He will use each and every tear that has rolled down my cheeks, every groan that only the Holy Spirit can interpret, and every heartache that makes it hard to breathe in order to fulfill the bigger picture of my future.

There is a purpose for everything under heaven. Death is a part of life. He gives and takes away. One day I will see my daddy again, and I am so excited for that day. Until then, I will continue to move through this process of grieving. I will continue to have those moments when I cry because the pain of missing my daddy is too much to bear. I will continue to praise God for all the things/people that I have in my life at this very moment, and even the dear and precious things/people that He has taken away. God is good.