Dear Daddy...

I never understood the pain of losing someone so close to me until April 24, 2012. My Daddy passed away on that evening, and went home to be with Jesus. I miss my Dad so much. The pain is indescribable sometimes and so deep that it makes it difficult to breathe at times. The hurt comes from deep inside my soul. I get a lump in my throat that feels like it is the size of a soccer ball. My heart will feel as if it weighs a million pounds. There are days I just want to wake up from this nightmare, hug my Daddy and just touch his face. There are other days when I realize he is gone. Sometimes the tears fall without any warning, and are no respector of where I may be, who I am with, or what I am doing. I haven't dealt with any anger yet. I am not angry that my Daddy is with Jesus. I just hurt because his absence is so apparent. I understand and am so thankful that he is healed and whole. I know he is whistling in Heaven! =)

My heart breaks even more when I think about my Mom and the pain she must be dealing with. I could not imagine the love of my life, my soulmate of 52 years, just GONE. My parents loved each other so much. It was evident in everything they did. They adored each other, and were a beautiful example of what love is. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to wake up every morning now next to an empty spot. It's got to be so difficult. I know she must miss telling him about every detail of whatever it was she felt was important! =) It's got to be hard to watch their favorite television shows and he not be there to belly laugh at something that is funny. I can hear that laugh right now in my head.

I decided to write a letter to my Daddy today, in light of Father's Day tomorrow. I just wanted to talk to him a little. I have chosen to share it with you. I don't know why, other than it is a way of healing for me. My Dad was very important to me, and he is very missed! Happy Father's Day, Daddy!

"Dear Daddy,

Can you believe I am in New York? I am finally here! I was at the Subway the other day and noticed an older man sitting across from me. He had on the exact same black tennis shoes that you wore a lot. I made eye contact with him and smiled. I felt as if I were smiling at you. I sure do miss you so much. Life just isn't quite the same without you. It won't ever be the same again. I miss your smile and your funny dry sense of humor. I just miss YOU.

We are all doing our best to take good care of Mom. I know she misses you, too. As I am sure you are aware, she is such a strong lady. I know she is thankful that you are now whole and healed, in the presence of Jesus. She has been sick a lot since you passed. She has been in and out of the hospital about three times. This last visit left her pretty weak, but she is getting better. Lisa has been such a great sister/daughter. She has really taken the lead and has been Mom's strong shoulder. I think Kim took her shopping the other day. I call her as much as I can. In fact, I will be calling her later today, just to tell her that "I love her". I had hoped to get home this weekend to be with Mom, but I know Kim and Lisa will be spending time with her.

So, tomorrow is Father's Day. I never would have believed that you wouldn't be here for me to wish you a Happy Father's Day. I guess I just hoped you would live forever here on earth! =) I wish I could see you tomorrow or call you tomorrow and just hear your voice. "Heyyy, Kiddo"...I will forever miss those words, accompanied by a smile. I am thankful for the quirky character traits I have of yours. I think of you when I whistle. I think of you when I daydream...I get my "dreaming" quality from you. We were always dreamers! =) (Drove Mom crazy!) I get my brown eyes from you and my nose is a dead ringer for yours. When I look in the mirror, I see you...and it makes me smile.

My heart aches a lot when I think of you, Dad. I miss talking to you. I was watching tv at lunch yesterday, and they had golf on. I remember watching our last golf game together in the hospital. It's hard to believe you are gone. I miss you. I wish we could go to the driving range again and just hit a few more balls...or maybe get adventurous and play 18 holes instead of 9. We usually would walk the course, but remember when I was 14 or 15 and you let me drive the golf cart? Remember when I put it in reverse and it pushed me forward and I ended up speeding into a circle. That was terrifying! Ha! I remember our last golf outing together before you got really sick. You were in your R&L work uniform and cap. We went to the driving range. =) A precious memory.

Daddy, I am so grateful that you are in Heaven and that you are no longer in pain. I know that the last couple years have been so difficult for you. I am thankful to know you are at peace now, rejoicing in Heaven. I am so excited to hear you tell me how you felt when you heard God say "Well done, my good and faithful servant". I bet it was incredible. You have been a great father to us. You have left a legacy, and many people miss you a lot. Thank you for loving Jesus and for instilling that love into all of us girls. I know I lost my way for a long time, but I will never forget your love and faithfulness to me when I was most unlovely. Your love for me exemplified God's love. God has blessed me with wonderful memories of you and I throughout my life...from the tender age of 3 til just a few months ago. I hope and pray that I can find a man that is like you...that will love me the way you loved Mom, and all of us girls...that will love God and put Him first.

I wonder if God ever lets you see us? I thought about it the other night when I was worshipping at the Brooklyn Tabernacle. My hands were raised and I was praying to God. I hope you were able to see how God is working in my life. I am seeking God and He is teaching me so much. I am growing every day. God is restoring my joy...He is renewing my spirit. I sing again, Daddy!

Well, this weekend is going to be a hard one. I miss you so much. It hurts so badly. I know you love me and that I love you. I will see you in my dreams, Daddy! Hopefully I will get to give you a great big hug! =) I love you!

Jennifer"

Forgiveness Street Or Resentment Avenue?

We only have two options when we are faced with a difficult situation. We can either forgive or resent. I can speak from personal experience when I tell you that for about 8 years, I chose to resent. I was hurt by people that I trusted and cared deeply for. I had a choice. I came to a crossroad of Forgiveness Street and Resentment Avenue. I chose to stroll down Resentment Avenue, found a filthy rundown apartment, moved my heart in there, and lived for almost 8 years. It was a cold, damp place. It was infested with disfunctional, destroying, poisonous black mold. It made me sick and unhappy. I was left always feeling sorry for myself. It destroyed the condition of my heart to the point of almost death.

Now I realize that is quite a dramatic picture of how resentment and bitterness can destroy your heart, but it isn't far from the truth. I have heard bitterness best described this way, "Bitterness is YOU drinking the poison and hoping the other person dies". Resentment/Bitterness will eat the very life out of your soul. I know, because it happened to me. I held on to my hurt as if it was MINE. I wasn't willing or ready to allow God to take that hurt from me and mend my heart. I think in my mind I viewed it as, if I forgave those people it essentially was saying that it was okay that they hurt me. Like I gave them a free pass to destroy my life. So, for years I would have moments when I wanted to let go of the hurt and pain and hatred that I had in my heart...yet my clenched fists would not let it go.

I continued this exhausting cycle for so long. I was dying inside. My soul was hollow and my heart was cold. I allowed the bitterness and resentment slowly envelope my heart like a boah constrictor or a wild vine growing around my heart...and it would gradually become tighter and tighter until I could no longer breathe. I was suffocating. The constriction of resentment almost claimed my life...however, God saw it differently. As I have shared in more detail in my post that was written in March 2012 titled "A Journey Within A Journey" (if you haven't read that post, drop by and read it...it will help you understand where I am coming from a little better), I had a very special and very real God moment in November of 2011. God reached down and rescued me. Of course I speak metaphorically. After that moment, God began remolding me, restoring me, mending my broken heart that was shattered into a million tiny pieces.

I arrived at a point in my life where I came to another crossroad...it looked very familiar, as if I had been here before. Forgiveness Street and Resentment Avenue. This time, I chose to go down Forgiveness Street. I began walking down the well-kept street...people were outside of their houses working in their yards, smiling, whistling. I even had some people welcome me and wave to me. I came to my new apartment...as I walked through the door I was released of this heavy burden I had been carrying around. I felt so much lighter and free. I noticed that this apartment was brighter. The sunshine was peeking through the windows. It had a fresh coat of paint, newly waxed hardwood floors, brand new carpet. I noticed that my hands were no longer clenched tight...they were open and free. I began to whistle...I began to laugh and smile...I began to sing again.

You see, when I chose to forgive - I WAS SET FREE. When I asked God to take my hurt and pain, He did. He began to heal me from the inside. He took my heart that was so cold and close to death and began massaging it back to life. My heart began to beat again...it warmed up and began to feel love again. He changed my view, too. He helped me see through His eyes and gave me compassion for the very people that I hated so much and that hurt me so deeply. He restored my heart to love again. I didn't need an apology from them. I didn't need anything from them. God filled that need, guided me through the process of forgiveness, and softened my heart. I forgave the very people who hurt me.

There is a quote about forgiveness that I like a lot. It says this, "Forgiving is not forgetting. It's letting go of the hurt." God healed my hurt. There is a song by Mercy Me called "The Hurt and the Healer". Listen to it sometime, it is incredible. I especially like these lyrics from the song:

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Throughout my healing process, I’ve learned what we hold against someone else will only wind up hurting ourselves. God chose to take my hurt and bring it full circle. Just recently I was able to hear those words "I am so sorry" from one who hurt me so deeply. You know what is so beautiful about this fact? You might say, "oh the beautiful part is a no-brainer...it was hearing your offender say 'I'm so sorry'"...Not at all. You see, I already forgave. I already resolved in my heart that I didn't need to hear those words in order to release my pain and resentment. The beautiful part of it was this: I was able to extend grace and mercy to that person. I was able to extend love and compassion. I no longer inhabited the filthy rundown apartment on Resentment Avenue...that place had been demolished. It doesn't even exist anymore. I moved to the other side of town on Forgiveness Street. I was able to tell this person, with a genuine spirit and heart, that I loved them. That is ONLY of God. He is the Healer...He can take away your hurt and pain of your past, or it could possibly be of your present. He can heal your heart and make it new again. I know this because it happened to me.

Colossians 3:13 NLT says this, "Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others." Another great Scripture is found in Hebrews 8:12 NLT, "And I will forgive their wickedness, and I will never again remember their sins." Wow! How humbling! Remember this as you face a situation where you come to the crossroads of Forgiveness Street and Resentment Avenue...Matthew 6:14 NLT, "If you forgive those who sin against you, your Heavenly Father will forgive you."

There isn't anything in this world worth holding on to. There isn't a grudge, bitterness, anger or pain worth stealing your true joy. Take it from me, it's just not worth it. It only hurts YOU! I can promise you this...when you make that choice to forgive, you change from within, and your joy is restored. It takes a strong person to say I am sorry...but it takes an even stronger person to forgive. So, what is your choice...Forgiveness Street or Resentment Avenue? It's up to you!

Love you, dear friend! :) 

sov·er·eign·ty

sov·er·eign·ty:Supreme power or authority.

 

 

 

 

 

There is this really great book called, "31 Days of Praise" that was written by Ruth and Warren Myers. It is a book that takes each day of the month and in their own prayers and words, praises God for who He is and for what He has done in their lives. It encourages "a deeper intimacy with God-and a greater love for Him". It gently inspires you to appreciate and adore the Lord in all things, even in the midst of heartache, struggles, deep hurt, or disappointments. This book was shared with me back in 2004 when I was facing what I call my very first "real struggle" with God and how I viewed Him and His people.

 

As I look back on my journey so far, I can see where many times I didn't trust or believe in the Sovereignty of God. You may ask, "what is the Sovereignty of God?"...Just like the definition at the very top of this post states. The Sovereignty of God means that God knows every single thing that will happen in our lives. He has complete and total power and authority over our lives. Now some people may really not like this fact. Some may think that they rule their own life...and that is fine. It won't change the fact that God is still Sovereign and still holds all power and authority over each and every one of our lives. ;) In fact, He knew that you would think that!

 

I am so very thankful for God's Sovereignty. I can trust and know that He is good. I can continue to seek God in all I do, knowing that He will fulfill His promise to me that He will give me the desires of my heart and that I can ask Him anything, according to His will. When you align your life and mind up with what God wants for you, suddenly the desires of your heart align up with His will. It's so cool how that works. The desires you may have right now (if you aren't actively seeking God's purpose and plan for your life) may or may not align up with what God has created you for. In 1 John 5:14 NIV, the Bible says, "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us." Now, I would be a big fat liar if I said that this verse never annoyed me! HA! I would read this verse and get all excited...WOW, I can ask ANYTHING??? ohh..."according to His will". So I guess that means that I have to only ask things like, "God, please send me into the jungles of Africa so I can live in a tiny hut made of straw and preach to the tribes there". 

 

TIMEOUT... 

 

****Don't misunderstand my point here. There are amazing people called of God to do just that. Right now, I am addressing the condition of my heart while I have read and interpreted this verse in the past.****

 

 

OK...TIME IN

 

The truth of the matter is this: If you are actively seeking God's purpose and plan for your life; If you are walking daily with Him in His Word, and communicating with Him through prayer and worship; your heart is only going to desire the things that God has purposed and planned for your life. It will come naturally. Those things that you desired before that weren't aligned with God, who He is, and what He has planned for your life will fade away and you begin to desire the things of God. It's a natural process that will occur.

 

Addressing God's Sovereignty again...He loves each and every one of us individually. He created in each of us a specific purpose and plan. He has blessed each one of us with unique and individual talents and gifts that He desires to see used to bring Him honor and glory. In other words, God gave you the desires of your heart. For instance, I have a deep passion and desire for music, singing, playing instruments and lifting my voice and singing. God created that desire in me. He also has called me to lead worship. Right now I am seeking God. I am walking daily with Him. Am I the best prayer warrior and Bible reader you have ever met? NO WAY! I am working on becoming more disciplined and consistent. I have a lot of work to do. A LOT!

 

But, my point is this. God gave me the desire and talent to sing and love music. He gave me the gift of helping other people "press" into God's presence through worship. Am I currently in a position that is allowing me to do the desire of my heart? Yes and no. I can use my desire and talents anytime, anywhere. I love my one-on-one time with God where I will sit and worship at His feet. The truth is, God has a lot of preparation and teaching to do in my life before He will open that door as a worship leader in a church. This I do know- as I seek God and begin to really trust (have faith) that He is truly Sovereign, I can face each day in confidence that He will give me the desires of my heart. It's a promise that He has given us/me in the Bible. God WILL open that door for me to lead worship again. I know this to be true. I believe it with all my heart, and will continue to move forward until He opens that door for me to walk through.

 

Another verse that I  came across today and really love is from Jeremiah 32:40 NLT. It says this, "And I will make an everlasting covenant with them: I will never stop doing good for them. I will put a desire in their hearts to worship me, and they will never leave me."

 

Never underestimate God's Sovereignty in your life. He has such great plans for you. His purpose for you has never waivered or changed. Seek God and you will learn more about Him. The more you learn about Him, the more you will love Him. He is waiting for you to respond. I would like to conclude this post with a passage from the book, "31 Days of Praise".

 

"I praise You for Your sovereignty over the broad events of my life and over the details. With You, nothing is accidental, nothing is incidental, and no experience is wasted. You hold in Your own power my breath of life and all my destiny. And every trial that You allow to happen is a platform on which You reveal Yourself, showing Your love and power, both to me and to others looking on. Thank You that I can move into the future nondefensively, with hands outreached to whatever lies ahead, for You hold the future and You will always be with me, even to my old age...and through all eternity."

 

 

Jeremiah 10:6

"There is none like Thee, O Lord; Thou art great, and great is Thy name in might."