INSANITY...

Just when I think I just may have arrived...or that I am "in the clear"...I am abruptly reminded that without God's strength in my life, I will only return to those things that weigh me down. You know the definition of insanity right?? Insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome...I can't tell you how many times I have approached my relationship with Christ doing the same things over and over yet hoping that some how, some way my outcome would be different! I can't tell you how many times I have been in situations...got out of those situations...only to find myself right smack dab in the middle of the same situation all over again! Whew...what a vicious cycle. It's a cycle that I have really got to get a handle on. I need to change...and I don't mean an "insane" change...wow, what an oxymoron! Haha! I am seeking a genuine change...one that transforms me from the very core of my being. I am in the beginning stages of this deep change. It's uncomfortable at times, and I would be lying if I said that doing right all the time is super easy...and that I just never have any temptations or desires that are wrong...yeah, that would be a HUGE lie! The difference in before and in now is, I am really making a genuine effort to change the vicious cycle I have been in bondage to for so many years.

Some of my friends who may read this may find themselves very confused. I have not lived a life that has pointed to any type of Christianity in a very long time. I haven't been the witness I was created to be. Instead, I just blended in...took part in...and never included God! For that, I am very sorry. I should have been different...stronger...more unashamed. I also know that I was going through a very long season of just not wanting to do anything related to Christ, God, the church, people associated with the church, ministry...well, you get the picture. I found myself more enamored by the lifestyle of partying and just having fun (however, there were times that weren't so fun...whew). I do not offer excuses for my past. I do know this...even though I was rebellious and completely away from God...he never left my side...he never forsook (left or abandoned) me...and even more mind-blowing, he never stopped loving me unconditionally-even when I wanted nothing to do with him! Wow...that is unconditional!

Some of you may be thinking..."what has happened to Jennifer?"..."why is she all of the sudden so 'churchy'?"...well, those are fair questions! I will tell you what has happened to me. It starts with my "DNA"...or rather the make-up of where I came from...I grew up in a Christian home...no wait, let me go a little further...I grew up as a pastor's kid...an independent, fundamental baptist pastor's kid...a very strict, but loving home. All I ever knew was God's love...the stories in the Bible...and I had parents who loved each other and their four girls very much. I didn't grow up in an abusive home, nor did I grow up in a home that I hated. I was a good kid, actually. I went to Christian Schools throughout my childhood until I graduated...then I went off to Baptist Bible College to study music. I was the girl that was expected to be "perfect" forever...(I was NEVER perfect...not even close...just seemed like I was super duper good to some of my friend's parents...therefore, I became the "example" for all the other kids...whew, that was a lot of pressure). I remained faithful to God throughout my college years, and even in my early twenties. I joined a Christian music traveling group out of Atlanta, Georgia when I was 24...traveled and sang about the God I served.

Something happened between 24-26...I strayed from God, bottom line...I don't need to offer excuses or tell you exactly what happened...but for about 7 years I lived away from God...intentionally! I am not proud of it...but I do know that God promises that everything I have been through can and will be used for good. I hope that with the things that I have been through, God can allow my story touch other people's life...I am able to relate to hurts that maybe at one point i may not have been able to understand. And guess what...when God promises us something...it is a promise. God promises that the good work He began in me He will be faithful to complete it...in other words, He created me for good...and even though I got off track, He will bring me back to Him and finish that good work!

Life is so short...I have allowed time to fall through my fingers like sand. It's time to spend every day filled with meaning and purpose. I get a chance to touch lives and make a difference, and you know what, I am going to humbly take that opportunity and run with it! =)