There is a song written and sung by Nichole Nordeman called "The Alter"...These are the lyrics:
I'm at the end of myself
I dropped out of the running
I don't recall when I last pulled the shades and said
Here comes the sun
Here comes a new day.
Someone remind me again
That joy might show up on occassion
See I'm sitting here with my hands on my head
And my eyes on the ground
Wondering if I'll be found tonight
Will You make me new?
Will You take what's left of me?
See I guarentee that it won't be a fair trade
Will You set me free?
From what's keeping me afraid?
I know I've prayed it all before
But I'm back on the altar
I don't believe what they say
About one foot in front of the other
If my life was a map you'd see every last step
Just circling around, still lost, never found
Maybe last year I made empty promises
Maybe last month I've tried to pull strings
But I don't have one single chip left to bargain with
The only thing left is me needing You
Will You make me new?
Will You take what's left of me?
See I guarantee that it won't be a fair trade
Will You set me free?
From what's keeping me afraid?
I know I've prayed it all before
But I'm back on the altar
These words resonate in my heart...they describe the very struggle I go through every day...many times a day. I am always "back on the altar". It's a good thing my God is so patient with me. If He wasn't, I would be doomed!
So the next few things I talk about are things that are slowly beginning to transform my life back to God. It's a process...one of which I need to be reminded of daily!
I had this particular quote in my journal that I wrote in back in 2006. I didn't list who the author of the quote was, so I apologize for that! It says, "If we do not allow God to deal with every part of our past, our hurts, our secrets, our errors in judgment, our mistakes, our sins, or the handicaps in our background, ANY ONE OF THEM CAN BE LIKE A HIBERNATING BEAR."
Wow, this statement couldn't be more true! If I would have allowed God to really deal with every single part of my past, a lot of the decisions I have made and paths I have chosen to take would have been so different. However, my journey is what it is...I believe that every single moment of my life will be used for GOOD!
I am facing my emotional baggage head on...it's not easy to do. There is a lot of humbling, a lot of letting down walls, a lot of uncomfortable moments. At times, I don't feel like I am ready at all. Change is not easy!! Emotional baggage keeps a person from being the kind of person God wants them to be; from doing what God calls them to do; paralyzed with doubt, fear, and self recrimination; from developing a healthy self image. I am learning that it takes straight up courage to put down emotional baggage. There is absolutely NO benefit in continuing to carry emotional burdens. I find NO good reason to hang on to what slows me down, keeps me from feeling free, or stops me from experiencing the fullness of life that God has prepared for me to live.
John 8:36 says, "If the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed."
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