Dear Daddy...

I never understood the pain of losing someone so close to me until April 24, 2012. My Daddy passed away on that evening, and went home to be with Jesus. I miss my Dad so much. The pain is indescribable sometimes and so deep that it makes it difficult to breathe at times. The hurt comes from deep inside my soul. I get a lump in my throat that feels like it is the size of a soccer ball. My heart will feel as if it weighs a million pounds. There are days I just want to wake up from this nightmare, hug my Daddy and just touch his face. There are other days when I realize he is gone. Sometimes the tears fall without any warning, and are no respector of where I may be, who I am with, or what I am doing. I haven't dealt with any anger yet. I am not angry that my Daddy is with Jesus. I just hurt because his absence is so apparent. I understand and am so thankful that he is healed and whole. I know he is whistling in Heaven! =)

My heart breaks even more when I think about my Mom and the pain she must be dealing with. I could not imagine the love of my life, my soulmate of 52 years, just GONE. My parents loved each other so much. It was evident in everything they did. They adored each other, and were a beautiful example of what love is. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to wake up every morning now next to an empty spot. It's got to be so difficult. I know she must miss telling him about every detail of whatever it was she felt was important! =) It's got to be hard to watch their favorite television shows and he not be there to belly laugh at something that is funny. I can hear that laugh right now in my head.

I decided to write a letter to my Daddy today, in light of Father's Day tomorrow. I just wanted to talk to him a little. I have chosen to share it with you. I don't know why, other than it is a way of healing for me. My Dad was very important to me, and he is very missed! Happy Father's Day, Daddy!

"Dear Daddy,

Can you believe I am in New York? I am finally here! I was at the Subway the other day and noticed an older man sitting across from me. He had on the exact same black tennis shoes that you wore a lot. I made eye contact with him and smiled. I felt as if I were smiling at you. I sure do miss you so much. Life just isn't quite the same without you. It won't ever be the same again. I miss your smile and your funny dry sense of humor. I just miss YOU.

We are all doing our best to take good care of Mom. I know she misses you, too. As I am sure you are aware, she is such a strong lady. I know she is thankful that you are now whole and healed, in the presence of Jesus. She has been sick a lot since you passed. She has been in and out of the hospital about three times. This last visit left her pretty weak, but she is getting better. Lisa has been such a great sister/daughter. She has really taken the lead and has been Mom's strong shoulder. I think Kim took her shopping the other day. I call her as much as I can. In fact, I will be calling her later today, just to tell her that "I love her". I had hoped to get home this weekend to be with Mom, but I know Kim and Lisa will be spending time with her.

So, tomorrow is Father's Day. I never would have believed that you wouldn't be here for me to wish you a Happy Father's Day. I guess I just hoped you would live forever here on earth! =) I wish I could see you tomorrow or call you tomorrow and just hear your voice. "Heyyy, Kiddo"...I will forever miss those words, accompanied by a smile. I am thankful for the quirky character traits I have of yours. I think of you when I whistle. I think of you when I daydream...I get my "dreaming" quality from you. We were always dreamers! =) (Drove Mom crazy!) I get my brown eyes from you and my nose is a dead ringer for yours. When I look in the mirror, I see you...and it makes me smile.

My heart aches a lot when I think of you, Dad. I miss talking to you. I was watching tv at lunch yesterday, and they had golf on. I remember watching our last golf game together in the hospital. It's hard to believe you are gone. I miss you. I wish we could go to the driving range again and just hit a few more balls...or maybe get adventurous and play 18 holes instead of 9. We usually would walk the course, but remember when I was 14 or 15 and you let me drive the golf cart? Remember when I put it in reverse and it pushed me forward and I ended up speeding into a circle. That was terrifying! Ha! I remember our last golf outing together before you got really sick. You were in your R&L work uniform and cap. We went to the driving range. =) A precious memory.

Daddy, I am so grateful that you are in Heaven and that you are no longer in pain. I know that the last couple years have been so difficult for you. I am thankful to know you are at peace now, rejoicing in Heaven. I am so excited to hear you tell me how you felt when you heard God say "Well done, my good and faithful servant". I bet it was incredible. You have been a great father to us. You have left a legacy, and many people miss you a lot. Thank you for loving Jesus and for instilling that love into all of us girls. I know I lost my way for a long time, but I will never forget your love and faithfulness to me when I was most unlovely. Your love for me exemplified God's love. God has blessed me with wonderful memories of you and I throughout my life...from the tender age of 3 til just a few months ago. I hope and pray that I can find a man that is like you...that will love me the way you loved Mom, and all of us girls...that will love God and put Him first.

I wonder if God ever lets you see us? I thought about it the other night when I was worshipping at the Brooklyn Tabernacle. My hands were raised and I was praying to God. I hope you were able to see how God is working in my life. I am seeking God and He is teaching me so much. I am growing every day. God is restoring my joy...He is renewing my spirit. I sing again, Daddy!

Well, this weekend is going to be a hard one. I miss you so much. It hurts so badly. I know you love me and that I love you. I will see you in my dreams, Daddy! Hopefully I will get to give you a great big hug! =) I love you!

Jennifer"