This quote really captured my attention today. As soon as I read it I found myself feeling very convicted. I began to evaluate my life and if I am truly giving God all the broken pieces of my life. I am talking about those broken pieces that have been harbored and held on to. I am talking about those broken pieces that have been nursed and kept alive through sadness, selfishness, and pain. I am talking about those broken pieces that I just swept under the rug instead of throwing them away with all the other broken pieces.
I think denial has a large root in my harboring of broken pieces. Have you ever said, "I'm fine" or "I'm over it"...yet deep down in your heart, you know that you aren't? Have you ever said, "Well, I have totally given it over to God...I will let Him take it now"...yet you know that you haven't truly asked God to take your burden? I have "given" many things to God over the years, only to reach back in and grab it right back out. I have had a death grip on many of my wounds. I'm not really sure if it is more of an ownership mindset...this happened to ME...no one else understands. It may be this false sense of entitlement...how dare they do this to me, I didn't deserve this treatment. Whatever it is, it has kept me from letting go. Whatever the reason, it has kept me in bondage.
"God creates out of nothing. Therefore, until a man is nothing, God can make nothing out of him." ~Martin Luther
I had to read this quote a couple of times to really grasp the depth of these wise words. The truth is, broken men and women have nothing to protect and nothing to lose. When you are genuinely broken, you are able to set aside everything...not just bits and pieces. It's not easy to be broken, though. Being genuinely broken is painful...it's humiliating, yet it is the only way. The only way for any restoration or revival in your life, you must be broken...you must put down your pride and accept the fact that you are broken and only God can heal your brokenness.
I have said many times this year..."2013 just hasn't been my year"...and I usually follow that with a little laugh. What most people don't know that deep inside the crevices of that little phrase lives a lot of pain and sadness...there is a lot of unknown heartache and trial in that blanket statement. Sometimes all you can do is laugh at your situation to keep from crying.
"Being broken is both God's work and ours. He brings the pressure to bear, but we have to make the choice...All day long the choice will be before us in a thousand ways." ~Roy Hession
God has had to put a lot of pressure on me throughout my life in order for me to break. He has had to use circumstances to expose my need in order to bring me to the end of myself. He did this again in 2013. I am apparently a very hard-headed learner. You would definitely think that by now I would surely have it somewhat together...yet the truth is, I don't. God is continually bringing on the pressure in order for me to get to the end of myself so that I can see the undeniable need for Him.
You know how I mentioned earlier that brokenness is painful and is at times humiliating? This could not be more true!! When you are broken, yet still have pride...prepare for a disaster. Instead of surrendering my pain and sadness to God, I chose to roll around in it for a while. I allowed myself to enter a dark place of depression, when all I needed to do was trust God and give it to Him. That all goes back to my previous post when I stated that I lost faith...my faith weakened and my selfishness grew. The more my faith faded...the more my self-awareness brightened. Self-absorption took over. It was a hot mess and a very slippery slope.
My decline into my selfishness led to destruction. I couldn't cope any longer. All I needed to do was reach up and allow God to pull me out, yet I felt stuck in my muck. I felt like I was in sinking sand and was slowly slipping under the tiny grains and only my head was above it. It wasn't until my life was spinning out of control and God got a hold of my heart and mind and jolted me back into reality, that I found my brokenness. I found my brokenness aside from selfishness and self-absorption. I found the end of me, and the only way out was God. I really do wish I would just get with the program and not have to have these life-altering lessons in order to get to the end of me and realize that God is my ONLY option. I am always amazed at God's relentless pursuit of me. He loves me so much that He is willing to deal with this hard-headed student. I am also amazed by His grace. Wow, without His mercy and grace, there is no telling where I would be right now at this very moment.
Getting to the end of me was not easy...it hasn't ever been an easy process. It literally wasn't until I got back into the Bible that I began to find the end of me and in turn receive hope. The Word of God has this unmatched power to soften even my darkest of heart...it softened the hardened soil and essentially shattered my stubborn self-life.
"Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me and I will be whiter than snow. O give me back my joy again; You have broken me - now let me rejoice." ~Psalm 51:7-8NLT
The moment I waved my "white flag" and surrendered, the battle stopped and I was able to see clearly. It was almost unbelievable to most of my friends. In fact, I know for sure I had quite a few that just didn't believe that I could have changed my direction from destruction to repentance and hope that quickly. You know what though? I couldn't worry about if I lost friends due to the instant healing God provided me in my darkest of moments...sure, it was hard and it hurt...but all in all, the only thing I could put my attention on was my God who delivered me from such a dark place. The enemy loves to throw pain my way...mostly because I cave...I wither under the pressure...and then the cycle starts all over again. The thing that the enemy knows and hates is that my God is so much bigger. He is going to pull me through each and every storm. I just have to continue to grow my faith and not waiver.
"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to the purposes for them." ~Romans 8:28 NLT
God is using my pain and stubbornness to help and encourage others. He is allowing that which was so dark to be used to shed His light. So, back to those broken pieces. I have chosen to lift up the rug and gather the stray broken pieces that I have hidden and disregarded and refused to give to God. I have chosen to be broken and am in the process of allowing God to mend me back together. The more I saturate myself in the Word of God, the stronger I will get in my faith. It is as simple as that. So that brings me back to the very first quote on this post:
"It is a wonder what God can do with a broken heart, if He gets all the pieces." ~Samuel Chadwick
I am excited to find out.
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