A Journey Within A Journey

Life is quite the journey...there are ups and downs...trajedies and victories...laughter and sorrow. One day you are on top of the world, the next buried under a pile of covers not willing to let even your big toe see the light of day. Life is hard. There is no way to get around that fact. Life is not fair. There are many times I am amazed at how unfair a certain situation is. Life is not a respector of persons. Life will happen and continue to go on whether you are ready for it or not. What is it as children we would yell out when we were "it" and counted to 100  by 10's and it was time for us to look for our hiding friends? "Ready or not-here I come"!! I can't tell you how many times I have heard life counting down...skipping numbers...peeking at where I was hiding...and then scream out "ready or not here I come". Wait, what? I am not ready!!

Even though life is very hard and a lot of times kind of cruel, it can be quite beautiful. God never intended for our life to be so hard. It wasn't his original plan. He loves us and truly desires way more for us than we could ever imagine. It has taken me a long time and I have experienced a lot of personal hurt, devastation, pain, defeat, and sorrow to finally understand that God wants me to experience the beautiful side of life as well. He is also allowing those hurts in my past to help shape and mold me into a better person today.

Let me share my journey within a journey. You see, life in itself is a journey...every day we are moving forward. Time is ticking...it doesn't stop. The sun rises, the sun sets...the sun rises, the sun sets....over and over and over. Some things we do every day become so mundane we don't even know we are doing them. We drive the same way to and from work, we could pretty much do it in our sleep. Have you ever driven home and when you got there you thought, "I don't even remember the last 10 minutes of my drive"...we get in a routine, a pattern, and sometimes a rut. It's the unexpected events, both good and bad that jolt us back into reality and into our journey called life. The journey within the journey is all about the events in your life that mold and make you into the person that stands infront of the mirror that you are looking into at this very moment.

I have had many little journeys that have taken me to each milestone in my life. One pivitol journey was at the tender age of four years old, when on a Sunday night in March of 1983 while having already been in bed for a while I got up out of  my bed (in my red onsie zip up pj's that had the white-bottomed feet) and I walked into the livingroom where my parents were sitting and I remember telling them both that I wanted to ask Jesus into my heart. After being sent back to bed once...I guess my parents didn't think I was old enough to understand what I was asking for, haha...I came back into the living room and again told my parents that I wanted to ask Jesus into my heart. My dad knelt by the couch with me and I asked Jesus into my heart.

Another pivitol journey was at the age of 13. That is a tricky age...and I am learning as I observe my niece who just turned 13 that it is filled with drama! I remember at a missions conference, I was watching a video about children in Africa...it broke my heart and at that moment I just wanted to surrender my life to Jesus. In other words, I wanted Jesus to know that if he wanted me to go to Africa and help those hurting children...I would go. It ends up that God hasn't directed my life to Africa as of yet, but that decision to surrender to whatever he would plan led me to my next pivitol journey.

At the age of 16 I graduated from highschool and was headed to college. I chose Baptist Bible College in Springfield, Missouri. (in case the name didn't tell you already, it was a Christian college..ha)...I studied music at BBC. I continued to grow in my faith in God...I traveled and sang on a music group all four years (I crammed 4 years into 5...and started traveling on music groups after my freshman year)...At the age of 22, I graduated from BBC and was headed to my first official job in Fairfax, Virginia as a music teacher in a Christian Academy just outside of Washington, DC. I taught music for 2.5 years and led worship at Fair Oaks Church for 1.5 years. I loved my time there. God developed a passion for leading worship in the deepest part of my soul while serving at FOC. 

above (BBC Freshman Year 1995)

above (Fair Oaks Church 2001)

At the age of 23, another pivitol journey began...God showed me what my calling was...I was meant to lead others into authentic worship. God gave me the gift of music and the gift of singing to help others worship him. I don't take this calling lightly. I am so honored that God would ever use me to communicate his message of love and mercy through my voice. God is so good. I was able to develop that gift while leading worship in Fairfax, Virginia. I am forever grateful for the time I spent in Virginia.

As you are reading this you may be thinking, "ok, Jennifer, doesn't seem like you had many bumps in your journeys...seems like one thing seemlessly led to the next and to the next" ...I would like to stress that what may seem one way very likely isn't they way you  imagine it to be...oh no my friend...not so much! You see, granted, up until I was 16, yeah, my life was pretty simple. I was a very obedient child...although I was a very energetic child and wore my parents out a lot, I was a good kid. I didn't sneak out of my window at night and meet up with a boy and make out until the wee hours of the morning. I didn't go behind my parent's back and get involved with other friends who were smoking and drinking and doing drugs. I had my own little Christian bubble that I lived in that basically consisted of church, christian school, and repeat. I was somewhat naive and what I had no clue of didn't harm me. Those were the days when ignorance truly was bliss. I was an innocent child.

At the age of 23-24 my life began to become a lot more difficult. I was starting to grow up some. I wasn't quite as naive anymore. I began seeing that this Christian bubble that I lived in for so long may have protected me for most of my life...but it finally popped. I no longer had that bubble...and frankly even though the next 10 years of journeys that I share with you about my life will be hard stories to share, they are my journeys. You can't just pick and choose what you want to share and not share in hopes that other people will read between the lines and figure out that you had struggle, pain, tears, poor decisions, heartache, betrayal, regret...God tells us that he promises that he will be faithful to use those things in our lives that we see as "bad" for good. He will allow the things we experienced, whether they were voluntary (a conscious, bad decision that led to heart ache) or involuntary (life just happens sometimes whether we give consent or not). All of our experiences good and bad mold us into the person we are today.

The next parts of my journey spanned about 10 years...the most intense being within the past 7-8 years of my life. I began to stray from God when I was 25 into 26...I became a bit restless, and rebellious. I was hurt by Christian people of whom I respected and looked up to. I allowed their harsh words and ungodly intentions devastate me. I was confused and did not understand why if God was so big and mighty, why would he allow me to be hurt by people who supposedly loved and knew him. Instead of this experience bringing me closer to God, I allowed it to push me farther and farther away from God. I left a ministry in 2004, feeling hurt, confused, angry, weary...I was in this downward spiral that left me in a tailspin of anger and irrational behavior. For the first time in my life, I didn't want to go to church, I didn't want to be around those hypocrites called "Christians", I didn't feel like talking to God, and more than anything I no longer wanted to worship him through music. I put God and everything associated with him on a shelf at the very tippy top...shoved him to the back of that shelf out of sight. Funny thing about that, though, is the fact that no matter how far I believed I was pushing God away and out of sight in my life...He never left my side. Sure, he was silent...he watched as I made poor decisions and was wreckless...but his love for me never waivered...his pursuit of me never ended...he just waited faithfully and patiently. I will never understand his unconditional love. All I can do is thank God for it.

My decision to put God on the tippy top shelf pushed as far back as possible out of complete sight led me to a lot of additional poor decisions. I was involved in things I never thought I would get involved in. I lived wrecklessly, not caring who it hurt...I drank, I smoked, I was not pure...(I just tried to candy coat that one...what I mean is, I was having sex)...I was on a fast track to destruction. I went from one extreme (being overly protected by a huge Christian bubble) to another (living like a crazy person who could care less if she lived the next day or not). You see, sin...yep, I just said it, SIN...that refers to things we do that is contrary to our belief in Christ. Even if you aren't a Christian, you somehow know when things are right and when things are wrong...those things we do that are wrong are called sin. You see, sin doesn't always wear a sign that says "you are totally going to regret me later...but for now you will have the time of your life"...ususally it just looks fun or fills some type of void in your life. Sin...or other ways of looking at it could be "having fun", "having the time of your life", "you're only young once", "you can sleep when you're dead", "living the high life"...comes at a high price.

I paid some pretty steep fees for my indulgences. I experienced silence from a God I loved so much...yet, I purposefully set him aside out of hurt and anger. Even when God did reach out, I stiff armed him and shoved him away again. I hurt my family and friends. I shut everyone out and isolated myself. My choices led me to a road of depression and lonliness. Suddenly what seemed to be a lot of fun and a great way to let off some steam turned into this dark gray cloud encompassing every angle of my life. I was a prisoner of my own poor choices. Sin is fun...there is no denying this fact, because if it weren't  so fun, no one would ever sin...but the problem is that there is a second half to that fact. You see, sin is fun...for a season. There is truth in that statement. Sin is only fun for a while. It could be a long while in your case...you may still be in the midst of your fun right now and while reading this you are thinking..."whatever, Jennifer...you are so off track and so pious to be writing this crap"...I know you are probably thinking that because that is what I used to think. You may be in that fun season...but the reality is this-it will pass.

In October of 2004, I was hospitalized as a result of a very poor choice. You see, I didn't think living was for me anymore. I felt as if I was alone, sad, hopeless...I had experienced a double betrayal that sent me over the edge and I somehow lost all coping skills. It was as if the logical switch was turned to "off" and the crazy, irrational switch was turned to "on". I no longer wanted to be on this earth. I tried to "numb" out by taking a lot of pills and downing some Nyquil. (thank God I wasn't smart enough to drink enough and take enough pills to really do damage)...as a result of that idiotic stunt, I was hospitalized for five long, terrifying days at a facility in Northern Georgia. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was so scared, all I did was cry every day and sleep as much as possible. My season of sin came at a high price.

Now, one would say, "wow I am so glad you came out of that alive and you have since lived for the Lord and all was happily ever after"...if only that were true. One would think that being hospitalized would be a "rock bottom" kind of experience. Sure, that experience rocked me to the core. It woke me up. Remember I told you that there are events in our life that kind of jolt us back into reality. That was definitely an event that jolted me. Did I go running back into the arms of God...not so much. Instead, it jolted me into a somewhat mediocre life. I wasn't running a muck and being a crazy rebellious person. I wasn't having a bunch of sex and living wrecklessly...I wasn't doing anything really. Just existing.

I revisited my depths of despair many times over the next 8 years...I experienced more times where all I wanted to do was take a bunch of pills and give up. I wanted to disappear. I had some very dark and very low times amidst the more upbeat and better times. I always fell back into my same old ways. There were times I would seek God a little bit...maybe I would start praying again, or I would start going back to church because my family would coarse me or beg me to. I had moments where I would be touched and convicted of God...but it was always short-lived. I felt sorry for myself a lot. I was kind of toxic to be around...therefore, I didn't keep friends for very long. I was miserable and so unhappy. My inner spirit that was once filled with joy was suddenly absent.

This leads me to my most recent pivitol journey. I spent the bulk of the past 8 years absent...I was present physically, but emotionally and spiritually I was so dried up and dead. There had been no signs of life. So in a way, though I didn't succeed at my poor attempt to end my life back in 2004, somehow I managed to kill a part of my inner person...and as I continued through life a little more of me died each day. I lived a life of no direction, no purpose, no drive...nothing. It wasn't until I finally hit my rock bottom the week leading up to the day before Thanksgiving 2011. I was so incredibly depressed. I lost all will for anything. I couldn't get out of bed. I could barely hold my head up...everything was difficult...everything was dark...and there was absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel. I was convinced that God had abandoned me. In fact, I would get so angry at God for being so silent and so absent. I questioned his love for me. I was convinced that God was up in heaven looking down on me and just laughing at my pain. I was convinced that ending my life would be the only way out...that ending my life would make everyone that knew me relieved and better.

It was the night before Thanksgiving. I remember laying in my bed under piles of covers. I had no intention of getting out of those covers. I was doped up on pain killers to numb my sadness and any pain that I was feeling. I would cry every once in a while and that reminded me that I was still very much alive. I share this part of my journey in life not to get any "aw poor girl", or " oh sweetie, I am so sorry"...though at the time, I just knew that was what I needed. I was at a grand party...a pity party...and there were only three people in attendance...ME, MYSELF, and I. I share this part of my journey at a risk of other's judging me and condemning me. But most of all, I share this part of my journey to give God the glory. On that day before Thanksgiving, I was under my piles of covers, crying, and just not knowing what to do. I was at the end of my rope. It was pitch black in my room...you couldn't see your hand in front of your face kind of pitch black...it was silent. My pain and sorrow was so big that I was convinced there would never ever be any hope for me. In fact, I blatently said to God, I have no hope, I have no purpose, I have no direction. God, if you hear me, please take my life...and this my friends is when my pivitol journey takes a supernatural dramatic turn. Out of my desperation, I was rescued. You say, what are you talking about Jennifer. Yeah, I know...it's gonna sound a little wierd...but do me a favor and just stick with me a few more minutes.

In the pitch blackness of my room...in the deafening silence...a still, small voice spoke to my very soul. You ask...an actual audible voice spoke out of nowhere...no, a still, small voice...and it said this. "YOU HAVE HOPE. YOU HAVE PURPOSE. YOU ARE MINE. I AM YOUR HOPE." Trust me when I say, I was just as shocked and taken aback as you may be right now...yet at the same time I was set free. I wish I could capture in words that moment when I literally had the chains of my past hurts...everything...at that moment just lifted off of me. I suddenly realized that God loved me...he always loved me...and he was ready to rescue me if I would just let go and allow him to carry my burdens. He rescued me. Ever since that day November 23, 2011...I have been growing in my faith. I have let go of the pain of my past and have allowed God to work through me. I have made conscious decisions to live differently and to choose to live according to what I believe in Christ. I am proof that a life that seems so far from God that there couldn't possibly be any hope for her has just that HOPE. I have a Divine Purpose. I am called to share my story with you, and called to simply remind you that no matter where you are in your life right now, you are NEVER too far from God. You are one desperate prayer away from God's intervention in your life.

God is faithful to complete the work that he began in you. I believe that God has something pretty amazing ahead for me in my continued journeys. I look forward to sharing them with you.