Are You In or Out?

I think that over the past seven or eight years of my life, people may have been asking this question about me. Is she in or out? Is she going to really change her life, or just write about a change and never have an action to back it up? Is she in or out? Is she going to talk about some "transformation" that has occurred in her life, yet in the next week or so go back to what she says she was transformed from. Is she in or out? You know, it is a fair question. It is a question I have wrestled with many times. I have asked myself the same thing. "Jennifer, when is it really going to be authentic? When are you going to get your act together and change your life for the better? When are you going to commit to doing what is right as opposed to what feels right? Jennifer, are you in or are you out? Pick one!".

In my defense, so many times I have longed to do what is right. I have had good intentions to put the past behind me and move forward. The problem was, I was doing it all the wrong way. I would like to share some of the past events in the last seven to eight months of my life that have occurred in hopes to shed some light on my journey. You see, even my journey has a purpose; a very Divine purpose. God wants me to use every step of my journey for His glory. So, that is what I intend to do!

I originally started this blog to follow my brand new journey to NYC. It was an exciting time in my life. I just knew some really amazing things were going to come out of this new chapter in my life. I was going to be able to move to Manhattan, New York...this was a bucket list kind of dream for me...I was going to join great friends in their ministry there in Manhattan, and eventually we were going to commit to opening a pregnancy crisis center to help young women of all races. We were going to be used in a mighty way to touch lives so deep that it changed the course of their own personal journeys. I was IN.

A couple of months prior to my decision to move to NYC and become some amazing world changer in the heart of Manhattan, HAHA...in my mind anyway, I started meeting with a pastor here in Ohio. I started "counseling" with him. I was going to church, but not faithfully. My commitment level on a scale of 1-10 was probably a 1 at best. (that may be too high of a rating) You see, I had a lot of unhealthy things in my life. I wasn't commited to anything...not to church, not to my family, not to my friends, not to a job...nothing! I wasn't reading my Bible, I didn't have a prayer life, and my faith was dwindling slowly more and more every day. I was full of bitterness, anger, resentment...I felt abandoned by friends and family who just couldn't take any more of my "tranformation" stories...you know, the "I promise, I will change. I am changing. I promise". All I knew was I wanted to move to NYC, I wanted to help other people with the tough decisions in their life...and in my mind, I just knew God would want me to do this. It just seemed like a no-brainer, really. In fact, I had good intentions going into it. I wanted to use this adventure for God's glory. I was IN.

Now as I am sure you have experienced in your own life that hindsight is  20/20. It is so easy to say, well you should have done that or you could have handled that this way, or wish you would have done or said something...etc. The woulda, coulda, shoulda's in our life. There are many times I have said, why didn't I see that blatent red flag? Why didn't I listen to those who were placed in my life as a godly counsel? Why, why, why? The only answer that I have when it comes to my own personal journey is this-I am one hard-headed little selfish brat! I learn things the hard way. I am so thankful that God uses a hard-headed little selfish brat like me!

Even though I felt that I should move to NYC, that I felt as if this was something God would definitely want me to do, and it was just an absolute no-brainer to help other people...the bottom line is that you can't help other people when you are drowning in life yourself...you can't help others if you need help more than they do! I had the whole process backwards. I just wanted to pass over the whole "get myself right with God" aspect and just dive right into ministry. Like maybe in the midst of me helping other people, I would somehow magically get better myself. I know it doesn't make sense. I just wanted to brush the unpleasantries of my life under the rug and call it a day. I didn't want to deal with my messed up life. Instead I wanted to help others make better decisions with their life. In my mind, there wasn't any restoring my own life. In my mind, I didn't have a purpose or a calling anymore. I had a messed up busted life and there was no remedy. I had a skewed view and a backwards approach.

Even though most of 2011 was spent "floating" through life with no real direction, somehow, God managed to speak to me here and there. He was nudging me toward him, but as you remember I was stubborn, selfish, and most of all very hard-headed! As I re-read my previous posts on this blog site, I can honestly say that what I shared with you was from my heart. It came from a place where God spoke to me. Though I may not have been where I needed to be in my walk with God, there were times He would break through and I just had to share. I am not sure if you noticed that my last blog post was back in October of 2011. I look forward to sharing my journey with you...the journey within the journey...in hopes that you will be encouraged.