Dear Daddy...

I never understood the pain of losing someone so close to me until April 24, 2012. My Daddy passed away on that evening, and went home to be with Jesus. I miss my Dad so much. The pain is indescribable sometimes and so deep that it makes it difficult to breathe at times. The hurt comes from deep inside my soul. I get a lump in my throat that feels like it is the size of a soccer ball. My heart will feel as if it weighs a million pounds. There are days I just want to wake up from this nightmare, hug my Daddy and just touch his face. There are other days when I realize he is gone. Sometimes the tears fall without any warning, and are no respector of where I may be, who I am with, or what I am doing. I haven't dealt with any anger yet. I am not angry that my Daddy is with Jesus. I just hurt because his absence is so apparent. I understand and am so thankful that he is healed and whole. I know he is whistling in Heaven! =)

My heart breaks even more when I think about my Mom and the pain she must be dealing with. I could not imagine the love of my life, my soulmate of 52 years, just GONE. My parents loved each other so much. It was evident in everything they did. They adored each other, and were a beautiful example of what love is. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to wake up every morning now next to an empty spot. It's got to be so difficult. I know she must miss telling him about every detail of whatever it was she felt was important! =) It's got to be hard to watch their favorite television shows and he not be there to belly laugh at something that is funny. I can hear that laugh right now in my head.

I decided to write a letter to my Daddy today, in light of Father's Day tomorrow. I just wanted to talk to him a little. I have chosen to share it with you. I don't know why, other than it is a way of healing for me. My Dad was very important to me, and he is very missed! Happy Father's Day, Daddy!

"Dear Daddy,

Can you believe I am in New York? I am finally here! I was at the Subway the other day and noticed an older man sitting across from me. He had on the exact same black tennis shoes that you wore a lot. I made eye contact with him and smiled. I felt as if I were smiling at you. I sure do miss you so much. Life just isn't quite the same without you. It won't ever be the same again. I miss your smile and your funny dry sense of humor. I just miss YOU.

We are all doing our best to take good care of Mom. I know she misses you, too. As I am sure you are aware, she is such a strong lady. I know she is thankful that you are now whole and healed, in the presence of Jesus. She has been sick a lot since you passed. She has been in and out of the hospital about three times. This last visit left her pretty weak, but she is getting better. Lisa has been such a great sister/daughter. She has really taken the lead and has been Mom's strong shoulder. I think Kim took her shopping the other day. I call her as much as I can. In fact, I will be calling her later today, just to tell her that "I love her". I had hoped to get home this weekend to be with Mom, but I know Kim and Lisa will be spending time with her.

So, tomorrow is Father's Day. I never would have believed that you wouldn't be here for me to wish you a Happy Father's Day. I guess I just hoped you would live forever here on earth! =) I wish I could see you tomorrow or call you tomorrow and just hear your voice. "Heyyy, Kiddo"...I will forever miss those words, accompanied by a smile. I am thankful for the quirky character traits I have of yours. I think of you when I whistle. I think of you when I daydream...I get my "dreaming" quality from you. We were always dreamers! =) (Drove Mom crazy!) I get my brown eyes from you and my nose is a dead ringer for yours. When I look in the mirror, I see you...and it makes me smile.

My heart aches a lot when I think of you, Dad. I miss talking to you. I was watching tv at lunch yesterday, and they had golf on. I remember watching our last golf game together in the hospital. It's hard to believe you are gone. I miss you. I wish we could go to the driving range again and just hit a few more balls...or maybe get adventurous and play 18 holes instead of 9. We usually would walk the course, but remember when I was 14 or 15 and you let me drive the golf cart? Remember when I put it in reverse and it pushed me forward and I ended up speeding into a circle. That was terrifying! Ha! I remember our last golf outing together before you got really sick. You were in your R&L work uniform and cap. We went to the driving range. =) A precious memory.

Daddy, I am so grateful that you are in Heaven and that you are no longer in pain. I know that the last couple years have been so difficult for you. I am thankful to know you are at peace now, rejoicing in Heaven. I am so excited to hear you tell me how you felt when you heard God say "Well done, my good and faithful servant". I bet it was incredible. You have been a great father to us. You have left a legacy, and many people miss you a lot. Thank you for loving Jesus and for instilling that love into all of us girls. I know I lost my way for a long time, but I will never forget your love and faithfulness to me when I was most unlovely. Your love for me exemplified God's love. God has blessed me with wonderful memories of you and I throughout my life...from the tender age of 3 til just a few months ago. I hope and pray that I can find a man that is like you...that will love me the way you loved Mom, and all of us girls...that will love God and put Him first.

I wonder if God ever lets you see us? I thought about it the other night when I was worshipping at the Brooklyn Tabernacle. My hands were raised and I was praying to God. I hope you were able to see how God is working in my life. I am seeking God and He is teaching me so much. I am growing every day. God is restoring my joy...He is renewing my spirit. I sing again, Daddy!

Well, this weekend is going to be a hard one. I miss you so much. It hurts so badly. I know you love me and that I love you. I will see you in my dreams, Daddy! Hopefully I will get to give you a great big hug! =) I love you!

Jennifer"

Forgiveness Street Or Resentment Avenue?

We only have two options when we are faced with a difficult situation. We can either forgive or resent. I can speak from personal experience when I tell you that for about 8 years, I chose to resent. I was hurt by people that I trusted and cared deeply for. I had a choice. I came to a crossroad of Forgiveness Street and Resentment Avenue. I chose to stroll down Resentment Avenue, found a filthy rundown apartment, moved my heart in there, and lived for almost 8 years. It was a cold, damp place. It was infested with disfunctional, destroying, poisonous black mold. It made me sick and unhappy. I was left always feeling sorry for myself. It destroyed the condition of my heart to the point of almost death.

Now I realize that is quite a dramatic picture of how resentment and bitterness can destroy your heart, but it isn't far from the truth. I have heard bitterness best described this way, "Bitterness is YOU drinking the poison and hoping the other person dies". Resentment/Bitterness will eat the very life out of your soul. I know, because it happened to me. I held on to my hurt as if it was MINE. I wasn't willing or ready to allow God to take that hurt from me and mend my heart. I think in my mind I viewed it as, if I forgave those people it essentially was saying that it was okay that they hurt me. Like I gave them a free pass to destroy my life. So, for years I would have moments when I wanted to let go of the hurt and pain and hatred that I had in my heart...yet my clenched fists would not let it go.

I continued this exhausting cycle for so long. I was dying inside. My soul was hollow and my heart was cold. I allowed the bitterness and resentment slowly envelope my heart like a boah constrictor or a wild vine growing around my heart...and it would gradually become tighter and tighter until I could no longer breathe. I was suffocating. The constriction of resentment almost claimed my life...however, God saw it differently. As I have shared in more detail in my post that was written in March 2012 titled "A Journey Within A Journey" (if you haven't read that post, drop by and read it...it will help you understand where I am coming from a little better), I had a very special and very real God moment in November of 2011. God reached down and rescued me. Of course I speak metaphorically. After that moment, God began remolding me, restoring me, mending my broken heart that was shattered into a million tiny pieces.

I arrived at a point in my life where I came to another crossroad...it looked very familiar, as if I had been here before. Forgiveness Street and Resentment Avenue. This time, I chose to go down Forgiveness Street. I began walking down the well-kept street...people were outside of their houses working in their yards, smiling, whistling. I even had some people welcome me and wave to me. I came to my new apartment...as I walked through the door I was released of this heavy burden I had been carrying around. I felt so much lighter and free. I noticed that this apartment was brighter. The sunshine was peeking through the windows. It had a fresh coat of paint, newly waxed hardwood floors, brand new carpet. I noticed that my hands were no longer clenched tight...they were open and free. I began to whistle...I began to laugh and smile...I began to sing again.

You see, when I chose to forgive - I WAS SET FREE. When I asked God to take my hurt and pain, He did. He began to heal me from the inside. He took my heart that was so cold and close to death and began massaging it back to life. My heart began to beat again...it warmed up and began to feel love again. He changed my view, too. He helped me see through His eyes and gave me compassion for the very people that I hated so much and that hurt me so deeply. He restored my heart to love again. I didn't need an apology from them. I didn't need anything from them. God filled that need, guided me through the process of forgiveness, and softened my heart. I forgave the very people who hurt me.

There is a quote about forgiveness that I like a lot. It says this, "Forgiving is not forgetting. It's letting go of the hurt." God healed my hurt. There is a song by Mercy Me called "The Hurt and the Healer". Listen to it sometime, it is incredible. I especially like these lyrics from the song:

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Throughout my healing process, I’ve learned what we hold against someone else will only wind up hurting ourselves. God chose to take my hurt and bring it full circle. Just recently I was able to hear those words "I am so sorry" from one who hurt me so deeply. You know what is so beautiful about this fact? You might say, "oh the beautiful part is a no-brainer...it was hearing your offender say 'I'm so sorry'"...Not at all. You see, I already forgave. I already resolved in my heart that I didn't need to hear those words in order to release my pain and resentment. The beautiful part of it was this: I was able to extend grace and mercy to that person. I was able to extend love and compassion. I no longer inhabited the filthy rundown apartment on Resentment Avenue...that place had been demolished. It doesn't even exist anymore. I moved to the other side of town on Forgiveness Street. I was able to tell this person, with a genuine spirit and heart, that I loved them. That is ONLY of God. He is the Healer...He can take away your hurt and pain of your past, or it could possibly be of your present. He can heal your heart and make it new again. I know this because it happened to me.

Colossians 3:13 NLT says this, "Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others." Another great Scripture is found in Hebrews 8:12 NLT, "And I will forgive their wickedness, and I will never again remember their sins." Wow! How humbling! Remember this as you face a situation where you come to the crossroads of Forgiveness Street and Resentment Avenue...Matthew 6:14 NLT, "If you forgive those who sin against you, your Heavenly Father will forgive you."

There isn't anything in this world worth holding on to. There isn't a grudge, bitterness, anger or pain worth stealing your true joy. Take it from me, it's just not worth it. It only hurts YOU! I can promise you this...when you make that choice to forgive, you change from within, and your joy is restored. It takes a strong person to say I am sorry...but it takes an even stronger person to forgive. So, what is your choice...Forgiveness Street or Resentment Avenue? It's up to you!

Love you, dear friend! :) 

sov·er·eign·ty

sov·er·eign·ty:Supreme power or authority.

 

 

 

 

 

There is this really great book called, "31 Days of Praise" that was written by Ruth and Warren Myers. It is a book that takes each day of the month and in their own prayers and words, praises God for who He is and for what He has done in their lives. It encourages "a deeper intimacy with God-and a greater love for Him". It gently inspires you to appreciate and adore the Lord in all things, even in the midst of heartache, struggles, deep hurt, or disappointments. This book was shared with me back in 2004 when I was facing what I call my very first "real struggle" with God and how I viewed Him and His people.

 

As I look back on my journey so far, I can see where many times I didn't trust or believe in the Sovereignty of God. You may ask, "what is the Sovereignty of God?"...Just like the definition at the very top of this post states. The Sovereignty of God means that God knows every single thing that will happen in our lives. He has complete and total power and authority over our lives. Now some people may really not like this fact. Some may think that they rule their own life...and that is fine. It won't change the fact that God is still Sovereign and still holds all power and authority over each and every one of our lives. ;) In fact, He knew that you would think that!

 

I am so very thankful for God's Sovereignty. I can trust and know that He is good. I can continue to seek God in all I do, knowing that He will fulfill His promise to me that He will give me the desires of my heart and that I can ask Him anything, according to His will. When you align your life and mind up with what God wants for you, suddenly the desires of your heart align up with His will. It's so cool how that works. The desires you may have right now (if you aren't actively seeking God's purpose and plan for your life) may or may not align up with what God has created you for. In 1 John 5:14 NIV, the Bible says, "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us." Now, I would be a big fat liar if I said that this verse never annoyed me! HA! I would read this verse and get all excited...WOW, I can ask ANYTHING??? ohh..."according to His will". So I guess that means that I have to only ask things like, "God, please send me into the jungles of Africa so I can live in a tiny hut made of straw and preach to the tribes there". 

 

TIMEOUT... 

 

****Don't misunderstand my point here. There are amazing people called of God to do just that. Right now, I am addressing the condition of my heart while I have read and interpreted this verse in the past.****

 

 

OK...TIME IN

 

The truth of the matter is this: If you are actively seeking God's purpose and plan for your life; If you are walking daily with Him in His Word, and communicating with Him through prayer and worship; your heart is only going to desire the things that God has purposed and planned for your life. It will come naturally. Those things that you desired before that weren't aligned with God, who He is, and what He has planned for your life will fade away and you begin to desire the things of God. It's a natural process that will occur.

 

Addressing God's Sovereignty again...He loves each and every one of us individually. He created in each of us a specific purpose and plan. He has blessed each one of us with unique and individual talents and gifts that He desires to see used to bring Him honor and glory. In other words, God gave you the desires of your heart. For instance, I have a deep passion and desire for music, singing, playing instruments and lifting my voice and singing. God created that desire in me. He also has called me to lead worship. Right now I am seeking God. I am walking daily with Him. Am I the best prayer warrior and Bible reader you have ever met? NO WAY! I am working on becoming more disciplined and consistent. I have a lot of work to do. A LOT!

 

But, my point is this. God gave me the desire and talent to sing and love music. He gave me the gift of helping other people "press" into God's presence through worship. Am I currently in a position that is allowing me to do the desire of my heart? Yes and no. I can use my desire and talents anytime, anywhere. I love my one-on-one time with God where I will sit and worship at His feet. The truth is, God has a lot of preparation and teaching to do in my life before He will open that door as a worship leader in a church. This I do know- as I seek God and begin to really trust (have faith) that He is truly Sovereign, I can face each day in confidence that He will give me the desires of my heart. It's a promise that He has given us/me in the Bible. God WILL open that door for me to lead worship again. I know this to be true. I believe it with all my heart, and will continue to move forward until He opens that door for me to walk through.

 

Another verse that I  came across today and really love is from Jeremiah 32:40 NLT. It says this, "And I will make an everlasting covenant with them: I will never stop doing good for them. I will put a desire in their hearts to worship me, and they will never leave me."

 

Never underestimate God's Sovereignty in your life. He has such great plans for you. His purpose for you has never waivered or changed. Seek God and you will learn more about Him. The more you learn about Him, the more you will love Him. He is waiting for you to respond. I would like to conclude this post with a passage from the book, "31 Days of Praise".

 

"I praise You for Your sovereignty over the broad events of my life and over the details. With You, nothing is accidental, nothing is incidental, and no experience is wasted. You hold in Your own power my breath of life and all my destiny. And every trial that You allow to happen is a platform on which You reveal Yourself, showing Your love and power, both to me and to others looking on. Thank You that I can move into the future nondefensively, with hands outreached to whatever lies ahead, for You hold the future and You will always be with me, even to my old age...and through all eternity."

 

 

Jeremiah 10:6

"There is none like Thee, O Lord; Thou art great, and great is Thy name in might."

 

 

Baby Steps...

So, I just read a really cool story. It is so awesome how God will give you little nuggets of encouragement just when you need it. I am reading a book called, "I Really Want To Change...So, Help Me God" by James MacDonald. It is a great book, and is very practical. If you are looking to make real changes in your life, I highly recommend this book. Anyway, back to this "nugget" I speak of...I read this today and it really put things into focus for me regarding making changes. This is regarding the spiritual changes, emotional changes, and also the physical changes that I am facing while on this brand new journey of losing weight and becoming a healthier person.

"Back in the 1800's, residents of Niagara Falls wanted to build a suspension bridge across the Niagara Gorge at Niagara Falls. Remember, of course, that engineering then was not what it is today. The problem they faced was how to initially span the wide gorge with the rushing Niagara rapids beneath them. The engineers were stumped, so they held a contest inviting the locals to submit their best ideas. The person who won the contest suggested they take a kite, when the winds were favorable, and fly it across the gorge, landing it on the other side.

Incredibly, the majestic suspension bridge which stands to this day began with a little kite and string. To the string they attached a rope and pulled it across. The rope was used to pull across a chain. The chain was used to pull across a cord. The cord was used to pull across a cable. Upon those iron cables they began to build the concrete structure which became the mighty Niagara Bridge. All that strength and power began with a little string."

Wow, to think that something so massive and so sturdy was initially built by using a string with a kite attached to the end of it! It makes me realize that great things come from small beginnings. We live in an instant gratification type of society these days. We live in the age where anything you could possibly want is at your fingertips...you know, "there's an app for that"! I know for myself, I just want to skip the smaller beginnings...I want to slide right past the struggle and the pain...and just arrive at that GREAT structure at the end. I want it to be instant and perfect. Well, that isn't how it happens. Anything worth changing will welcome struggle and discomfort in your life, however, when you work through that pain and that discomfort the product on the other side is that much sweeter and that much stronger.

These thoughts that I share are things that I need to hear and that I need to start implementing in my own personal life. I do not share these things as if I have arrived to this place where I am now able to tell other people how they should clean up their own life. I will never arrive to that place where I know it all and can help others arrive. We are in this together! I need friends who are willing to be real. I need friends who are not too proud to say, "hey, you know, I really need your prayers regarding this certain struggle in my life"...I need friends who are willing to listen to me share my struggles and pray with and for me regarding those things in my life. I need friends who can take off the judge's robe and set down the gavel...become human and real, understanding that we are all saved by grace. We are all in this together. I need friends who will lock arms with me, hold hands, and say "let's do this"...TOGETHER.

Not only am I embarking on a physical change that will lead me into a life of healthy living...I am also being transformed on the inside. God is working in my life. It is humbling and very exciting all at the same time. I share my struggles with you, and I share my victories with you. I want God to get all the glory for the things He has brought and taken away in my life. To Him be all the glory! I will be honest with you, even if it isn't the most popular thing! I will share the unlovely side of me, because I am not perfect. I am so very human in every aspect of that word. I struggle. I hurt. I cry. I also rejoice. I worship a Sovereign God. I laugh. I make stupid jokes...(some things will never change). I am a work in progress...and what is exciting to see is that it is in motion...the progress is happening. =)

Step by step...second by second...minute by minute...hour by hour...day by day...week by week...month by month...year by year...It is a process. It is meant to work in steps. I am learning patience (though you will NEVER catch me praying for it...seriously!). I am learning to push a little harder. Endure a little longer. Allow a situation to fully play out before I so quickly jump ship. There is purpose in the pain. There is joy through trials. I want to find out what is on the other side of this huge mountain I face. I no longer just want to hear about it!

Secondhand Worship

Tonight, as I sat in my room, I decided to go on to youtube.com and listen to some of my favorite Christian Artists and watch some of their videos. I listened to artists like Natalie Grant and Kari Jobe. I saw a post that had Kari Jobe speaking on the subject of "worship". Now, if you know me at all, you will know that worship is something I am passionate about. I believe with my entire being that the calling God put on my life is to help lead others into genuine, authentic, beautiful worship. Wow, as I typed that last sentence, I was convicted with the question "well, then why aren't you pursuing it with your entire being?"...ouch, I just stepped on my own toes...is that possible? That will have to be addressed in another blog...after I talk to God in detail about that one! I don't have a good answer, therefore, I believe God is trying to make a point and show me that leading worship IS MY CALLING! I need to stop searching...that is what I am supposed to do!

Anyway, back on track - if that is even possible! Back to Worship. My most favorite subject ever! Worship doesn't only exist on the platform of a church or the stage of a concert. It starts in the heart. Worship should be cultivated in your own personal relationship with God. It starts in the quiet of your moments with God. It grows and matures each time you meet with God. In order to help lead others into an authentic, pure, beautiful, genuine worship...you must be a worshipper in the quiet place...in that place between you and God. You cannot lead others to enter into the realm of worship if you have never been there before.

I heard a really cool analogy regarding something we experience most these days, unfortunately. It is called secondhand worship. You know, similar to the second hand stores, or the gently used clothing stores. A lot of times, myself included, we will rush to get ready on Sunday morning and basically run into church maybe a minute or two late. You can hear the music playing, and maybe you have already missed a song. So, you slip in. You stand with everyone else...and you wait. You see the worship leader pouring their heart our in worship. You see others joining in. Some have joined in more enthusiastically with their hands raised and swaying back and forth. Some are more reserved with maybe their hands closed together over their hearts, singing to the Lord. Then there are a few, mouthing the lyrics, not singing out, maybe arms are folded. There are some who aren't moved by music and worship at all. Now, you are somewhere in the middle. You may not be as enthusiastic as the one who raises their hands, but you most certainly are moved by worship in music. So, while you wait to "be blessed", you take on the worship that has been handed down from those who are experiencing true, authentic, blessed, genuine, personal worship. You adapt what they have experienced and taken it on as your own worship. It seems to fit right, it is comfortable, and has been gently used. Second hand worship.

Here is the truth about worship. You don't have to wait until Sunday morning service at your church to be able to experience it. We serve a God who lives in our hearts and instead of having to get our worship from other people, we can get it first from God. We can be refueled daily. The very moment you sit down in your spirit, asking God to meet with you, He will meet with you!! We need to guard our worship. It is such a precious time between your Maker and you. It is a personal time of reflection on who God is and the promises He has made. We need to seek after God. We need to worship Him in our quiet place. God promises this...if you give him the first of who you are, He will give you the first of Who He is! Don't settle for someone elses worship. Be clothed in your own authentic, personal worship with your God.

God will meet you right where you are right at this very moment. All you have to do is ask. Create space for God. Be filled with His presence. Seek Him in the quiet, personal time. When we seek God and worship Him in the quiet place, we can minister from the overflow of our hearts!

Isaiah 55:6-7 MSG "Seek God while he's here to be found, pray to him while he's close at hand. Let the wicked abandon their way of life and the evil their way of thinking. Let them come back to God, who is merciful, come back to our God, who is lavish with forgiveness."

Psalm 2:10b MSG "Worship God in adoring embrace..."

I'm Still 'Jenny From the Block'...

I cannot count how many times I have had someone sing these lyrics to me, "I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block"... or say, "Hey...Jenny from da block". If you aren't familiar, don't worry about it! You aren't missing anything, really! It's a song by the Latino actress and singer Jennifer Lopez...aka JLo. She sung this song called "Jenny From The Block". It mentions things like, "don't be fooled by the 'rocks' that I got...(translation-all her flashy stuff/jewlry/cars/money/fame)... I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block" (translation-she hasn't forgotten where she came from, which was The Bronx, NY).

Now, as you all are WELL aware, there aren't any "rocks" that I got. I am not famous. I am not wealthy, or at least not as the world may view wealth (materialistic/money/cars/houses/etc). I also didn't physically come from The Bronx, or the projects, or the streets. I grew up very differently. The reason I named this post "I'm Still Jenny From the Block" is completely different than the actual lyrics of the song. However, I think the principle could still remain...and, I thought it was kinda funny! (Truth be told!)

It wasn't that long ago that I was talking with another Christian about his personal journey. He hadn't been a Christian all that long, maybe 4 or 5 years. He talked about the things he did before he met Christ. How he lived however he wanted. He didn't care who he hurt, and had great revenge for those who hurt him. He was married for a long time, but after more than a decade it began to fall apart. He began to drink. It started as a way to get back at his nagging wife. He did it to spite her. Eventually what he used as an act of spite turned into an addiction and he became an alcoholic. He would get into bar fights, would curse a lot, struggled with adult material, he got divorced. He went bankrupt and pretty much lost everything he had. This was all before he came to know Christ.

Now that he has found Christ, he has chosen to submerge himself into Scriptural studies. He has been sober for almost 5 years. He still struggles with certain things, but he makes sure to deal with them immediately, and confess them to God. He strives for a restored relationship with Christ. He has good intentions. The problem is...it seems he has forgotten where he came from. It seems as if pride has creeped in, and compassion has been extinguished.

We were hanging out one night, and were walking the main streets of this little town. It was getting later and we had just left a pizza place, where we had spent a little time eating, laughing, and getting to know each other. We had leftover pizza and we boxed it up. As soon as we stepped outside of the pizza place, a homeless man approached us. He asked if he could have a piece of pizza. My first instinct was to say yes, however, I didn't pay for it! So I just looked at my friend, and he abruptly said NO. When the man walked away, my friend was so disgusted that this man asked for food. Thoughts in my head were...How dare he ask for food...I mean, he's homeless. What was he thinking? (<<<insert sarasm!>>>) I didn't pay for the pizza, therefore I smiled and moved on!

Don't misunderstand my point. No, I don't think you are a bad person if you have leftovers and you choose not to share them with a homeless person. It's your choice. My point is, my friend's response to this homeless man kinda put me off. I mean, who are we to judge someone for being homeless? He has to survive. Therefore he will put his pride down and ask for food. I guess it was more the attitude of my friend that made me a little annoyed. He almost laughed disgustingly at this man. As if we were better. No one is better or worse in God's eyes! Plus, I know what it is like to have missed a few meals, not intentionally, but because I simply didn't have the money for it. It took a lot of guts for this grown man to ask someone for food. I haven't ever been homeless, and I haven't ever gone a long time without food, nor have I had to ask anyone for it...but I could relate to a very tiny part of this man's reality.

Later that evening we were walking this little city's streets. There were a lot of people getting intoxicated around us. When people are intoxicated...aka drunk off their buttawshkies...they do stupid things. We ducked into a coffee shop to enjoy a moment of quiet. As my friend was waiting to get out of a door, this intoxicated man wouldn't move. This drunk guy thought it was funny to pin my friend in. Not so much! My friend stiff shouldered this guy so hard that it forced him against the wall. My friend came back to the table so proud of what he did. How is that showing others...especially someone who is clearly not thinking straight...that Jesus loves them? My friend said that this jerk had no right to block him in and he even dared to laugh at him. All I could think was...yeah, kinda like we have done to Christ. We left quickly as now OUR safety was in jeaopardy. And personally, I am not in the mood to fight anyone...EVER! As we left, we came across more people who were clearly publically intoxicated. My friend was utterly disgusted with these people's actions. He looked down upon them, as if we were better than these people.

Pride and Christianity do not belong in the same sentence. Jesus was humble. He humbly died on the cross for our sins. He loves each and every one of us. He sees us as perfect in His eyes. No sin is greater than another. We, in our world where we tend to departmentalize just about everything, would tend to disagree with this fact. God sees sin as sin. No sin is greater or smaller.

I just wanna be "Jenny from the block". I want to be real. I want to exude Christ. I want to allow Christ to shine through me so much that others feel loved and accepted. I never want to forget where I have been and where I come from. It is through my deepest hurt and my darkest struggle that I am able to understand people more and how to empathize with other friends who are also hurting and struggling. I have a love for other people. Not just Christians. I love people. I am a friend. I long to point others to Christ. I haven't always desired to be a good example, or for others to even know that I was a Christian. Now, I just want to be who I am in Christ, serve God, love people WHERE THEY ARE AT, and help any way I can. I pray that God will break any pride that I may ever have. I am not a judge...nor do I wish to be a judge. I wish to love and be a friend. God is so good and wishes for everyone to experience His unconditional love.

If you are a friend of mine and you don't know what I mean by being a Christian, you don't understand why I talk about God, "serving" God, or what it means to be loved unconditionally by such a gracious God...send me a message. You can email me at: mycardboardbox@live.com. I will keep your email confidential, and would be happy to share more about my faith, if you are interested. =) I love all my dear friends.

**singing, "Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got. I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block"..........

The Power of Praise

I thank You for the bitter things

They've been a friend to grace,

They've driven me from the paths

   of ease

To storm the secret place.

-Florence White Willett

I am learning more and more lately that through each difficulty I face, big or small, is an opportunity to see God work. In God's time, He will bring me out to a place of abundance. Each trial that I face has been used in a way to humble me and help perfect my faith.

There is a really beautiful song sung by the Christian group Casting Crowns called "Praise You In The Storm". The very first time I heard it I wasn't in a good place spiritually or mentally. I remember thinking..."yeah, some may be able to praise God through their storm, but not me...my pain is too great...I am angry, hurt, annoyed, bitter, and utterly disgusted at even the sight of anything Christ-centered"  (Just keeping it real! Sometimes the things we think and say to ourselves isn't always pretty or appropriate) I was convinced that my pain was so great and so unique (very selfish) and no one could possibly know how I feel. I didn't want to praise God through my storm. No way! If anything, I was angry with God for putting me through a storm at all. Why would such a supposedly "loving" God allow things to happen in my life that caused such pain and suffering? Why?

While I was going through my supposedly "unique and no one else could ever understand or relate to me" storm, I was living with a dear friend of mine who was also facing her own storm. I was way too selfish to try to help her in any way. What is the saying, you can't save someone else from drowning, when you are drowning yourself. I can't remember exactly how that goes, but you get the idea. Well, even through that situation of watching my friend's marriage crumble in front of both of us, it affected us both so incredibly differently. You see, my dear friend chose to praise God through her storm. She chose to put God first, praise Him through the pain of her situation, and in return God sustained her. Her storm was so big, HUGE in fact, but her God was much much bigger. Even though I wanted nothing to do with anything Christian, her dedication to Christ and unwaivering faith spoke volumes to me. I will always remember her faithfulness. Even to this day, she remains faithful and has been so incredibly blessed by God. It's so awesome to see.

I, on the other hand, chose not to praise God through my storms. I did the opposite. In many ways, through the way I lived and my choice to shut God out and anyone else who may have tried to point me to God, I cursed God. Because of that choice, God was silent. Don't misunderstand, though. God never left my side. He was always faithful to me. His love for me never changed, never waivered. He was always just one prayer of repentance away from rescuing me. You see, God doesn't force Himself on us. That is why we have what is called a free will.

The point of this post is simple. When we praise God through our storms, through our difficult circumstances, through our hopeless situations, He will sustain us and provide the strength we need in order to get through those storms. He also promises to work all those things together for our good. When we depend on God's sovereignty to hold us up in our difficult times, we become stronger in our faith. Our praise begins to mature and grow into a strong, unwaivering, and beautiful song.

Now, if you are in the place of silence...a place I spent about 7-8 years at...if you are bitter and angry; if you scoff at the thought of praising God through your circumstance...I want you to know this: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Even though you are angry, even though you cannot understand why God would let things happen, even if you want nothing to do with God...GOD LOVES YOU!! His love isn't conditional. His love is faithful, unwaivering, and available to you at any time. He loves you right now at the very place you are at right now. You are one prayer away from reconciliation.

I am still learning to praise God through my storm. It becomes a lot easier the more you practice it! It is worth every tear, every heartache, every pain...because God can be glorified through every single trial we face. We are also more equipped to help others while they face their storms.

 I John 4:11-12

"Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another...if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us."