A Past For A Future

My roommate, Ebony, bought me a really great book for my birthday called "Undaunted: Daring to do what God calls you to do". It is written by Christine Caine. I had the opportunity to hear Christine speak at The Brooklyn Tabernacle in the summer of 2011, when I made my first attempt to live in NYC. I remember that her words and her testimony stuck with me months after I heard her speak. Her testimony is powerful and God used her testimony to reach down and stir my heart. She runs an amazing organization called A21 Campaign that fights to rescue sex slaves from human trafficking. If you haven't ever heard of this ministry, you should check out the website: http://www.thea21campaign.org/.

Christine's testimony is all throughout her book as well. It is such an encouragement and an eye-opener to the grace of God and just how much He really does love each and every one of us! It is also a sobering reminder to the fact that when God's hand is on us, we are His...we are safely and firmly planted in the palm of His hand. I haven't finished this book yet. I am about half way through, and just have so much to share. God is using this book to encourage me and to gently remind me of His love and mercy. I wanted to share with you how God is moving in my life, and maybe in return it will encourage another sweet friend along the way.

Living in the "Concrete Jungle" is not the easiest place in the world to live. Everything happens at morph speed. If you blink, you are officially 10 steps behind. It comes at you fast...and frankly, I LOVE IT. Now sure, I come from the mid-west...Ohio...and no I haven't ever bailed a stack of hay, milked a cow, or lived in a cabin in some remote area of Ohio. And yes...I do have ALL my teeth!! Ha! However, when compared to NYC, I can completely see why people would think and ask those things. There is just nothing quite like this big and beautiful city! Just like every city, it has it's pros and cons. Some things I was ready for...for instance I knew that when I sold my car (AWWW sweet "Stella"...how I miss my cute little black BMW Z3 Roadster Convertible) that I would be dealing with the headache of figuring out how to get around the city, to work, and to church. Yet there were things I just couldn't have prepared myself for...I just have had to live and learn. I stand by that phrase, "If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere".

One of the biggest lessons I am learning right now is how to carefully select those who will be in my life, and I in their life. I am a very relational person. I love people. I am THAT person who never meets a stranger. For instance...when I was 4 years old, my mom took me along on a hospital visit. Being the pastor's wife, she would from time to time go to the hospital to visit a person from our church who was admitted. Well, for whatever reason my mom ended up leaving me in the waiting area until she was finished.  I am not sure if they wouldn't allow me to go back or if my mom knew better than to take this crazy child back into a place where it needed to be quiet and calm. (she had a valid reason NOT to want to take me back...who knows, I probably would have pushed every shiny button and inadvertently caused the hospital bed to fold up like a taco with the patient inside and screaming for help  - you chuckle, but I am kind of serious. I was an active little booger! HA!)

Anyway, back to the story...I remember sitting in a big chair, feet barely hanging off the edge of the seat, completely content while looking at my favorite "Highlights" magazine...searching for Waldo, when I saw an older woman across from me who looked distressed and a little scared. I put down my magazine, as I could feel the tug of my spirit directing me to sit beside this woman. It is amazing to me that even at the tender age of 4, I was sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading. So I crawled up into the chair next to this woman and grabbed her hand. She told me that her husband just had a heart attack and that he was back there where my mom was. As soon as my mom came out, there I was with my new friend...loving on her and trying to comfort her. I never met a stranger...I only saw friends.

I have the best intentions with those who I call friend...and I always see the good in a person. I am trusting...and while that may seem like a good trait to have, it can be equally dangerous if it isn't carefully executed. I am that person who just wants to believe that every one's intentions are good...that they genuinely care...and that what they say is true. I mean, that is how I operate...why would it be different with anyone else? There are a million factors as to why it IS different for everyone else. We all come from different life journeys and experiences that have assisted in molding us into what we are now in the present. Not everyone has good intentions...and my hardest lesson still to this day is to understand that even Christians are guilty of not having good intentions. I am not a perfect person, and I too have had intentions that were not good. Whether we call ourselves a Christian or not, we will still do things that will hurt someone else.

Since moving to NYC in May, I have encountered some really amazing growth in my spiritual walk. I have been able to move past some things that really hurt me and haunted me, and have been able to move forward. I realize that when you are no longer "sidelined" by the enemy, he begins to fight you again and starts to stir up things that he knows tripped you up in the past. You see, the enemy just uses the same scenario over and over again because he knows what the weakness is and how to prey on us with those weaknesses. I have had two specific circumstances kind of rock my world since I have been here in NYC. Normally...well if we are going by previous circumstances...these situations would have completely buried me and defeated me. You see, what the enemy wasn't prepared for was the foundation I have rebuilt with my God. This foundation isn't easy to shake like my previous foundation was. Did these situations still hurt? Absolutely. You see, some circumstances that are put in our way try to take our soul. Whatever the source of the attack on our bodies, souls, and spirits...the hurt stings and the damage goes deep. I don't know if you are like me, but when life hurts me...I want a quick fix. The problem with this is that the damage typically doesn't happen overnight...and neither does the healing.

God promises us that his plans for us are good, not for evil. He wants to prosper us, not harm us. He plans to give us a future and a hope. (Jer. 29:11) His promises are true and can be trusted. No matter what I have been through this far since I have been in NYC, I am confident that God will take those things that have been hard to deal with and that have been hurtful and He will use them for His glory. He is a faithful God. If we trust God with our wounded and broken heart, He will bring healing, restoration, and wholeness. What others may leave for broken...God sees as beautiful! He actually cherishes that broken life, and chooses to make it whole.

"The very thing that the enemy uses to try to destroy your life is the very thing God uses to help others. God can heal every hurt and can turn your scars into signs of strength for His glory. Your past mistakes, hurts, and pain can help give someone else a future. Whatever we have gone through enables us to help others. God doesn't waste one experience of our lives. He uses everything to help someone else. He doesn't want us to remain crippled, immobilized, or paralyzed by the past. Instead He sent us  Jesus to show us how to step into the future." ~Christine Caine from her book "Undaunted: Daring to do what God calls you to do"

So with all of that said, my past is a catalyst for a brighter future. I can learn from these circumstances and come out on the other side a smarter, wiser, happier, more well-rounded person. Does the pain of the circumstance still hurt at times? Yes, but God is so much bigger and wants so much more for me...I can't stay in the pain...I have to work through it in order to become a stronger person.

Love Is A Verb

God is absolutely amazing to me. I am so humbled at how much He loves me (all of us). One of my favorite Scripture passages is found in Psalm 18. It is a beautiful picture of God's love in action when we cry out to God in our moments of distress, totally trusting in Him to help us. I have moments creep up on me on a daily basis...critical moments when I can choose to allow my faith to grow by trusting completely in God's power, or I can fall prey to the enemy's lies regarding my particular situation or circumstance. You know, the enemy doesn't have anything new up his sleeve...he just tries to trip us up on the things he knows has worked in the past to sideline us from doing anything worthwhile. The exciting part about these weak attempts of sidelining me is when I see how much I have grown in my faith. The enemy cannot have a foothold in my life, when I am safely and securly and boldly in the palm of the right hand of my God. I imagine God's mighty hand flicking the enemy away, like an unwanted peice of dirt or lint...sending him flying away from me.

My favorite thing about the passage in Psalm 18, that I have shared below, is how ACTIVELY God comes to our rescue. He hears our cry even into His very own ears! Wow!! He has heard my voice in His ears. Simply. Amazing.

 In my distress I called upon the LORD;
  to my God I cried for help.
 From his temple He heard my voice,
  and my cry to him reached his ears.

Then the earth reeled and rocked;
the foundations also of the mountains trembled
and quaked, because he was angry.

Smoke went up from his nostrils,
and devouring fire from his mouth;
glowing coals flamed forth from him.

He bowed the heavens and came down;
thick darkness was under his feet.

He rode on a cherub and flew;
He came swiftly on the wings of the wind.
He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him,
thick clouds dark with water.

Out of the brightness before him
hailstones and coals of fire broke through his clouds.

The LORD also thundered in the heavens,
and the Most High uttered his voice,
hailstones and coals of fire.

And he sent out his arrows and scattered them;
He flashed forth lightnings and routed them.
Then the channels of the sea were seen,
and the foundations of the world were laid bare
at your rebuke, O LORD,
at the blast of the breath of your nostrils.

He sent from on high, He took me;
He drew me out of many waters.
He rescued me from my strong enemy
and from those who hated me,
for they were too mighty for me.

(Psalm 18:6-17 ESV)

God very ACTIVELY pursues us...He ACTIVELY rescues us, when we seek Him! What a loving God. You know that amazing feeling when you realize that you have a friend who has "got your back"...well, that is God all the time! He knows our needs before we even do. My needs, wants, desires, passions, goals...all of those things are important to God. I have to remember that because God has already handled what I will be facing tomorrow...It is a comfort to know.

Roof Off, Walls Down

"For many of us, it is easier to live with the roof off than it is to let the walls down - to be transparent and honest with others. We work so hard at leaving a good impression; we want others to think well of us. But once we have really been contrite and humble before God, it will not be threatening to be humble and honest with others we have nothing to lose, no reputation to protect - because we have died. The broken person is willing to say, "Will you pray for me? I have a need in my life - God is dealing with me in this specific area." Brokenness toward God produces openness toward others. Living with the walls down toward others can become a wonderful means of God's grace in our lives."

~Nancy Leigh DeMoss from her book, "Brokenness"

When I stumbled across this passage out of Nancy Leigh DeMoss's book, it really resonated with my soul. It is so true that in order to fully communicate both vertically (with God) and horizontally (with other people), you must completely tear down the roof and the walls that block you from being able to effectively and authentically reach up and reach out. Over the past 11 months, God has been radically changing my life. He has helped me lift off the roof and tear down the walls that were hindering me from really being able to grow and experience all that God has desired for me.

I have had to experience a lot of pain (both unwarranted and self-inflicted pain) along the way during this time of "demolition" in my life. It's been a very personal journey, and one that I have been so thankful to share. You see, we may wonder a lot  of times why things have to happen the way they do. Why do we have to feel the pain we feel, or the desperation? Why do we have days when we can barely move because our heart is so heavy and full of sadness? How could my situation ever result in anything good? Why would God ever put me through this circumstance or situation? As I have been learning over this specific time in my life, God can and will use everything that has happened and that will happen in your life to bring glory to Him.

There is another book that I love to read called "31 Days of Praise" by Ruth Myers. It is in her own words and has 31 days to correspond with each day of the month. Today, September 22, 2012 Ruth shared this:

"I rejoice that You are  able to empower me in difficult times and to give me wisdom in my responses. You are all-sufficient, more than enough to meet even the deepest needs of my heart, whatever today or the future may bring."

God will empower us if we just ask. I have to ask Him several times per day for His help...His guidance...His love to shine through me. I have been faced with tough situations over the past couple of weeks. My heart has been broken. I have been hurt. BUT...God is so good. He is GREAT. My God has set my feet on a solid rock and is setting me up for blessing. Though I may not understand the things that I am facing in my life right now...My God is working in my life. That is all I need to understand at this time in my life. I also need to allow this time in my life to be a chance to love on those who have hurt me. It's much easier to be hurt and treat them with a spirit of anger...however  that is NOT what God is about. Treating hurt with hurt will never solve anything. I certainly wouldn't want the people that have hurt me to feel the way that I do right now. So, instead of retaliation...I pray for restoration. I can only depend on God to heal this situation.

It is so critical to live with the roof off and walls down. You cannot honestly communicate with others until you open up yourself. It's vulerable, but beautiful. I am still learning this in my life. I am trying to practice it more and more. Some days, I am pretty good at it...then days like last week come and I hesitate. You know, the enemy will try to defeat you...but if you give it all to God, in Jesus' name...the enemy is forced to flee!

For any of my friends who might be facing a mountain today...remember, God has already conquered that mountain for you. Communicate with others with a spirit of LOVE and patience. Treat others as you would wish they would treat you. Pray for them...yes, even those who may have hurt you. Lift them up to God, and let Him transform their heart. It isn't our battle...we just need to place it in God's hand and allow Him to perform His miracles in our life and in the lives of others.

Live intentionally...Love unconditionally...Pray continuously...Worship relentlessly...Every single pain...Every single tear...Every single heart ache...Every single fear...Every single heavy thought...Every single emotion you feel...EVERYTHING is for a reason.

Please God, Steady My Heart!

I'm in a very open and vulnerable mood today. Ready to just lay it all down on the page. I sit here this morning, overwhelmed. I am faced with a lot of emotions...doubt, fear, concern, worry, regret, disappointment, anxiety, frustration...to name a few. These emotions are damaging. That is why I just need to get this out of my system right now, cling to the TRUTH that only God can provide, and watch Him use my anxiety and turn it into peace. I hate those days when all I want to do is cry. It's like, I am just not sure if I can pinpoint the precise reason...I just wanna cry. Today I just want to crawl in my bed, pull the covers over my head and "boo-hoo" for a while. The difference in me now, and how I would have been even just 10 months ago should be enough to pop me right back into my "positive" bubble...and honestly, as I just wrote that and began to dwell on the major strides that I have made over the past 10 months, it has indeed already begun to lift my heavy spirit.

I have these moments every once in a while where I just get so overwhelmed, and things begin to look like GIANTS in my path. For instance, when I think too far into my future I begin to freak out a little. I need to find a place to live...that is scary. I need to know that when I am on my own completely, that I will be able to financially take care of myself...very scary. I'm terrified. Yet, as I am writing this, I have been so graciously reminded, by my God, that we only have TODAY. We cannot wrap ourselves up in tomorrow...for, honestly, it may never come. We only  have the moment we are in. With that said, my heavy spirit is beginning to feel another lift.

Matthew 6:25-34 NLT says, "That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life - whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and  your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lillies of the field and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? So don't worry about these things, saying, 'What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?' These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries.Today's trouble is enough for today."

Wow! As I typed in every word above from Matthew 6, God's compassion for me came down and comforted me. "Why do you have so little faith?" That question really hit me. The core of my concern, anxiety, worry, doubt, fear, discouragement is all rooted in a lack of faith. I do believe I am valuable to God...I am seeking his Kingdom, and I am striving each day to live righteously...so why am I worrying at all - when His promise is that He will give me everything I need. My Heavenly Father already knows my needs!! He already knows what will transpire in 20 minutes from now. He already knows, He cares, and He will be faithful to those who are faithful to Him.

It is so cool how dwelling on what is TRUE will completely transform your life. I go back to the message I heard last Sunday. In order for the promises of God to come into fruition in our lives...we MUST allow our faith to appropriate those promises. We cannot just say, "oh yes, God is good. He will provide my need". No, I am called to an action right now. I am called to not only believe that God is good...and that He will provide all of my needs...I must move forward in my life in FAITH, understanding that only through my faith will I ever have a single need in my life provided from my Father. I have got to take my worry and replace it with FAITH. That is an action. That

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.“

About 4 years ago, I was challenged by a Pastor of mine to read the Psalms every day and journal every day about what that particular passage spoke to me. Well, first of all let me just say that I love the Psalms. I am able to identify with David in so many areas. His life and my life are so much alike in so many ways, that when I read about his raw emotions and his heart cries...when I read about his victories and triumphs...when I read about his sadness and depression, anxiety and grief...I can completely relate. So, I began reading in Psalm. I get to Psalm 55: 1-8 NLT, and this is the experience that David shared...

"Listen to my prayer, O God. Do not ignore my cry for help! Please listen and answer me, for I am overwhelmed by my troubles. My enemies shout at me, making loud and wicked threats. They bring trouble on me and angrily hunt me down. My heart pounds in my chest. The terror of death assaults me. Fear and trembling overwhelm me, and I can’t stop shaking. Oh, that I had wings like a dove;
then I would fly away and rest! I would fly far away to the quiet of the wilderness. How quickly I would escape—far from this wild storm of hatred."


David just described a full-on panic attack! I cannot tell you how much I can relate to these verses. "Fear and trembling overwhelm me, and I can't stop shaking. Oh, that I had wings like a dove; then I would fly away and rest!" I have wanted to escape and rest many times when I am in the midst of my anxiety. Even as I started this blog post today...I was overwhelmed with anxiety. I woke up this morning literally with a stomach ache because of the anxiety I allowed to overcome my body. These are vulnerable moments that, if not ushered into God's presence and put before God to handle, will completely consume you. I was faced with a choice today. Allow myself to be guided by feelings or guided by TRUTH. I know where my feelings have led me before...down a spiral of negativity and grief. When you allow yourself to be guided by TRUTH, you are lifted and set free.

As I am growing in my faith and relationship with God - I am learning some key things. First...I have got to humble myself...He promises that He will lift us up!! He promises...but we have to appropriate our FAITH with an action of humbling ourselves, believing He will lift us up! Second...I have to approach Him boldly and ask Him to be my Strength. I cannot do anything without His help! Nothing, nada, zip!! David approached God boldly...he said, "Listen to my prayer, O God. Do not ignore my cry for help! Please listen and answer me, for I am overwhelmed by my troubles."  He boldly asks His God for help. Thirdly...I have to appropriate my FAITH, and believe that when I ask God - HE WILL DO IT!! A little later in Psalm 55: 16-19 NLT, David appropriates his faith: " But I will call on God, and the Lord will rescue me. Morning, noon, and night I cry out in my distress, and the Lord hears my voice. He ransoms me and keeps me safe from the battle waged against me, though many still oppose me. God, who has ruled forever, will hear me and humble them."  David was bold, and he believed.
At the end of Psalm 55 NLT, David reminds us with this: "Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall."

So, I started out this blog discouraged, overwhelmed, upset physically and emotionally...and instead of turning to my emotions and allowing them to get one more minute of my time - I took it to God. I titled my post "God, Please Steady My Heart"...I titled it before I ever wrote one word...and He heard my cry. He has calmed me and given me a peace that only He can give. If you turn to Truth, you will be set free every time.  I am amazed by God's infinite grace and love for me. I am not worthy of a single ounce of His mercy, yet every single day He extends it to me. The last and most important key thing that I am learning as I continue to grow in my faith and relationship with God is this: Praise Him through it all. As I go through each day, I am reminded that more than anything, He wants our praise.

Thank you for letting me share my moments of doubt with you today...and allowing me to navigate right in front of your eyes my way to Truth and Peace.

Dear Daddy...

I never understood the pain of losing someone so close to me until April 24, 2012. My Daddy passed away on that evening, and went home to be with Jesus. I miss my Dad so much. The pain is indescribable sometimes and so deep that it makes it difficult to breathe at times. The hurt comes from deep inside my soul. I get a lump in my throat that feels like it is the size of a soccer ball. My heart will feel as if it weighs a million pounds. There are days I just want to wake up from this nightmare, hug my Daddy and just touch his face. There are other days when I realize he is gone. Sometimes the tears fall without any warning, and are no respector of where I may be, who I am with, or what I am doing. I haven't dealt with any anger yet. I am not angry that my Daddy is with Jesus. I just hurt because his absence is so apparent. I understand and am so thankful that he is healed and whole. I know he is whistling in Heaven! =)

My heart breaks even more when I think about my Mom and the pain she must be dealing with. I could not imagine the love of my life, my soulmate of 52 years, just GONE. My parents loved each other so much. It was evident in everything they did. They adored each other, and were a beautiful example of what love is. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to wake up every morning now next to an empty spot. It's got to be so difficult. I know she must miss telling him about every detail of whatever it was she felt was important! =) It's got to be hard to watch their favorite television shows and he not be there to belly laugh at something that is funny. I can hear that laugh right now in my head.

I decided to write a letter to my Daddy today, in light of Father's Day tomorrow. I just wanted to talk to him a little. I have chosen to share it with you. I don't know why, other than it is a way of healing for me. My Dad was very important to me, and he is very missed! Happy Father's Day, Daddy!

"Dear Daddy,

Can you believe I am in New York? I am finally here! I was at the Subway the other day and noticed an older man sitting across from me. He had on the exact same black tennis shoes that you wore a lot. I made eye contact with him and smiled. I felt as if I were smiling at you. I sure do miss you so much. Life just isn't quite the same without you. It won't ever be the same again. I miss your smile and your funny dry sense of humor. I just miss YOU.

We are all doing our best to take good care of Mom. I know she misses you, too. As I am sure you are aware, she is such a strong lady. I know she is thankful that you are now whole and healed, in the presence of Jesus. She has been sick a lot since you passed. She has been in and out of the hospital about three times. This last visit left her pretty weak, but she is getting better. Lisa has been such a great sister/daughter. She has really taken the lead and has been Mom's strong shoulder. I think Kim took her shopping the other day. I call her as much as I can. In fact, I will be calling her later today, just to tell her that "I love her". I had hoped to get home this weekend to be with Mom, but I know Kim and Lisa will be spending time with her.

So, tomorrow is Father's Day. I never would have believed that you wouldn't be here for me to wish you a Happy Father's Day. I guess I just hoped you would live forever here on earth! =) I wish I could see you tomorrow or call you tomorrow and just hear your voice. "Heyyy, Kiddo"...I will forever miss those words, accompanied by a smile. I am thankful for the quirky character traits I have of yours. I think of you when I whistle. I think of you when I daydream...I get my "dreaming" quality from you. We were always dreamers! =) (Drove Mom crazy!) I get my brown eyes from you and my nose is a dead ringer for yours. When I look in the mirror, I see you...and it makes me smile.

My heart aches a lot when I think of you, Dad. I miss talking to you. I was watching tv at lunch yesterday, and they had golf on. I remember watching our last golf game together in the hospital. It's hard to believe you are gone. I miss you. I wish we could go to the driving range again and just hit a few more balls...or maybe get adventurous and play 18 holes instead of 9. We usually would walk the course, but remember when I was 14 or 15 and you let me drive the golf cart? Remember when I put it in reverse and it pushed me forward and I ended up speeding into a circle. That was terrifying! Ha! I remember our last golf outing together before you got really sick. You were in your R&L work uniform and cap. We went to the driving range. =) A precious memory.

Daddy, I am so grateful that you are in Heaven and that you are no longer in pain. I know that the last couple years have been so difficult for you. I am thankful to know you are at peace now, rejoicing in Heaven. I am so excited to hear you tell me how you felt when you heard God say "Well done, my good and faithful servant". I bet it was incredible. You have been a great father to us. You have left a legacy, and many people miss you a lot. Thank you for loving Jesus and for instilling that love into all of us girls. I know I lost my way for a long time, but I will never forget your love and faithfulness to me when I was most unlovely. Your love for me exemplified God's love. God has blessed me with wonderful memories of you and I throughout my life...from the tender age of 3 til just a few months ago. I hope and pray that I can find a man that is like you...that will love me the way you loved Mom, and all of us girls...that will love God and put Him first.

I wonder if God ever lets you see us? I thought about it the other night when I was worshipping at the Brooklyn Tabernacle. My hands were raised and I was praying to God. I hope you were able to see how God is working in my life. I am seeking God and He is teaching me so much. I am growing every day. God is restoring my joy...He is renewing my spirit. I sing again, Daddy!

Well, this weekend is going to be a hard one. I miss you so much. It hurts so badly. I know you love me and that I love you. I will see you in my dreams, Daddy! Hopefully I will get to give you a great big hug! =) I love you!

Jennifer"

Forgiveness Street Or Resentment Avenue?

We only have two options when we are faced with a difficult situation. We can either forgive or resent. I can speak from personal experience when I tell you that for about 8 years, I chose to resent. I was hurt by people that I trusted and cared deeply for. I had a choice. I came to a crossroad of Forgiveness Street and Resentment Avenue. I chose to stroll down Resentment Avenue, found a filthy rundown apartment, moved my heart in there, and lived for almost 8 years. It was a cold, damp place. It was infested with disfunctional, destroying, poisonous black mold. It made me sick and unhappy. I was left always feeling sorry for myself. It destroyed the condition of my heart to the point of almost death.

Now I realize that is quite a dramatic picture of how resentment and bitterness can destroy your heart, but it isn't far from the truth. I have heard bitterness best described this way, "Bitterness is YOU drinking the poison and hoping the other person dies". Resentment/Bitterness will eat the very life out of your soul. I know, because it happened to me. I held on to my hurt as if it was MINE. I wasn't willing or ready to allow God to take that hurt from me and mend my heart. I think in my mind I viewed it as, if I forgave those people it essentially was saying that it was okay that they hurt me. Like I gave them a free pass to destroy my life. So, for years I would have moments when I wanted to let go of the hurt and pain and hatred that I had in my heart...yet my clenched fists would not let it go.

I continued this exhausting cycle for so long. I was dying inside. My soul was hollow and my heart was cold. I allowed the bitterness and resentment slowly envelope my heart like a boah constrictor or a wild vine growing around my heart...and it would gradually become tighter and tighter until I could no longer breathe. I was suffocating. The constriction of resentment almost claimed my life...however, God saw it differently. As I have shared in more detail in my post that was written in March 2012 titled "A Journey Within A Journey" (if you haven't read that post, drop by and read it...it will help you understand where I am coming from a little better), I had a very special and very real God moment in November of 2011. God reached down and rescued me. Of course I speak metaphorically. After that moment, God began remolding me, restoring me, mending my broken heart that was shattered into a million tiny pieces.

I arrived at a point in my life where I came to another crossroad...it looked very familiar, as if I had been here before. Forgiveness Street and Resentment Avenue. This time, I chose to go down Forgiveness Street. I began walking down the well-kept street...people were outside of their houses working in their yards, smiling, whistling. I even had some people welcome me and wave to me. I came to my new apartment...as I walked through the door I was released of this heavy burden I had been carrying around. I felt so much lighter and free. I noticed that this apartment was brighter. The sunshine was peeking through the windows. It had a fresh coat of paint, newly waxed hardwood floors, brand new carpet. I noticed that my hands were no longer clenched tight...they were open and free. I began to whistle...I began to laugh and smile...I began to sing again.

You see, when I chose to forgive - I WAS SET FREE. When I asked God to take my hurt and pain, He did. He began to heal me from the inside. He took my heart that was so cold and close to death and began massaging it back to life. My heart began to beat again...it warmed up and began to feel love again. He changed my view, too. He helped me see through His eyes and gave me compassion for the very people that I hated so much and that hurt me so deeply. He restored my heart to love again. I didn't need an apology from them. I didn't need anything from them. God filled that need, guided me through the process of forgiveness, and softened my heart. I forgave the very people who hurt me.

There is a quote about forgiveness that I like a lot. It says this, "Forgiving is not forgetting. It's letting go of the hurt." God healed my hurt. There is a song by Mercy Me called "The Hurt and the Healer". Listen to it sometime, it is incredible. I especially like these lyrics from the song:

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Throughout my healing process, I’ve learned what we hold against someone else will only wind up hurting ourselves. God chose to take my hurt and bring it full circle. Just recently I was able to hear those words "I am so sorry" from one who hurt me so deeply. You know what is so beautiful about this fact? You might say, "oh the beautiful part is a no-brainer...it was hearing your offender say 'I'm so sorry'"...Not at all. You see, I already forgave. I already resolved in my heart that I didn't need to hear those words in order to release my pain and resentment. The beautiful part of it was this: I was able to extend grace and mercy to that person. I was able to extend love and compassion. I no longer inhabited the filthy rundown apartment on Resentment Avenue...that place had been demolished. It doesn't even exist anymore. I moved to the other side of town on Forgiveness Street. I was able to tell this person, with a genuine spirit and heart, that I loved them. That is ONLY of God. He is the Healer...He can take away your hurt and pain of your past, or it could possibly be of your present. He can heal your heart and make it new again. I know this because it happened to me.

Colossians 3:13 NLT says this, "Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others." Another great Scripture is found in Hebrews 8:12 NLT, "And I will forgive their wickedness, and I will never again remember their sins." Wow! How humbling! Remember this as you face a situation where you come to the crossroads of Forgiveness Street and Resentment Avenue...Matthew 6:14 NLT, "If you forgive those who sin against you, your Heavenly Father will forgive you."

There isn't anything in this world worth holding on to. There isn't a grudge, bitterness, anger or pain worth stealing your true joy. Take it from me, it's just not worth it. It only hurts YOU! I can promise you this...when you make that choice to forgive, you change from within, and your joy is restored. It takes a strong person to say I am sorry...but it takes an even stronger person to forgive. So, what is your choice...Forgiveness Street or Resentment Avenue? It's up to you!

Love you, dear friend! :) 

sov·er·eign·ty

sov·er·eign·ty:Supreme power or authority.

 

 

 

 

 

There is this really great book called, "31 Days of Praise" that was written by Ruth and Warren Myers. It is a book that takes each day of the month and in their own prayers and words, praises God for who He is and for what He has done in their lives. It encourages "a deeper intimacy with God-and a greater love for Him". It gently inspires you to appreciate and adore the Lord in all things, even in the midst of heartache, struggles, deep hurt, or disappointments. This book was shared with me back in 2004 when I was facing what I call my very first "real struggle" with God and how I viewed Him and His people.

 

As I look back on my journey so far, I can see where many times I didn't trust or believe in the Sovereignty of God. You may ask, "what is the Sovereignty of God?"...Just like the definition at the very top of this post states. The Sovereignty of God means that God knows every single thing that will happen in our lives. He has complete and total power and authority over our lives. Now some people may really not like this fact. Some may think that they rule their own life...and that is fine. It won't change the fact that God is still Sovereign and still holds all power and authority over each and every one of our lives. ;) In fact, He knew that you would think that!

 

I am so very thankful for God's Sovereignty. I can trust and know that He is good. I can continue to seek God in all I do, knowing that He will fulfill His promise to me that He will give me the desires of my heart and that I can ask Him anything, according to His will. When you align your life and mind up with what God wants for you, suddenly the desires of your heart align up with His will. It's so cool how that works. The desires you may have right now (if you aren't actively seeking God's purpose and plan for your life) may or may not align up with what God has created you for. In 1 John 5:14 NIV, the Bible says, "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us." Now, I would be a big fat liar if I said that this verse never annoyed me! HA! I would read this verse and get all excited...WOW, I can ask ANYTHING??? ohh..."according to His will". So I guess that means that I have to only ask things like, "God, please send me into the jungles of Africa so I can live in a tiny hut made of straw and preach to the tribes there". 

 

TIMEOUT... 

 

****Don't misunderstand my point here. There are amazing people called of God to do just that. Right now, I am addressing the condition of my heart while I have read and interpreted this verse in the past.****

 

 

OK...TIME IN

 

The truth of the matter is this: If you are actively seeking God's purpose and plan for your life; If you are walking daily with Him in His Word, and communicating with Him through prayer and worship; your heart is only going to desire the things that God has purposed and planned for your life. It will come naturally. Those things that you desired before that weren't aligned with God, who He is, and what He has planned for your life will fade away and you begin to desire the things of God. It's a natural process that will occur.

 

Addressing God's Sovereignty again...He loves each and every one of us individually. He created in each of us a specific purpose and plan. He has blessed each one of us with unique and individual talents and gifts that He desires to see used to bring Him honor and glory. In other words, God gave you the desires of your heart. For instance, I have a deep passion and desire for music, singing, playing instruments and lifting my voice and singing. God created that desire in me. He also has called me to lead worship. Right now I am seeking God. I am walking daily with Him. Am I the best prayer warrior and Bible reader you have ever met? NO WAY! I am working on becoming more disciplined and consistent. I have a lot of work to do. A LOT!

 

But, my point is this. God gave me the desire and talent to sing and love music. He gave me the gift of helping other people "press" into God's presence through worship. Am I currently in a position that is allowing me to do the desire of my heart? Yes and no. I can use my desire and talents anytime, anywhere. I love my one-on-one time with God where I will sit and worship at His feet. The truth is, God has a lot of preparation and teaching to do in my life before He will open that door as a worship leader in a church. This I do know- as I seek God and begin to really trust (have faith) that He is truly Sovereign, I can face each day in confidence that He will give me the desires of my heart. It's a promise that He has given us/me in the Bible. God WILL open that door for me to lead worship again. I know this to be true. I believe it with all my heart, and will continue to move forward until He opens that door for me to walk through.

 

Another verse that I  came across today and really love is from Jeremiah 32:40 NLT. It says this, "And I will make an everlasting covenant with them: I will never stop doing good for them. I will put a desire in their hearts to worship me, and they will never leave me."

 

Never underestimate God's Sovereignty in your life. He has such great plans for you. His purpose for you has never waivered or changed. Seek God and you will learn more about Him. The more you learn about Him, the more you will love Him. He is waiting for you to respond. I would like to conclude this post with a passage from the book, "31 Days of Praise".

 

"I praise You for Your sovereignty over the broad events of my life and over the details. With You, nothing is accidental, nothing is incidental, and no experience is wasted. You hold in Your own power my breath of life and all my destiny. And every trial that You allow to happen is a platform on which You reveal Yourself, showing Your love and power, both to me and to others looking on. Thank You that I can move into the future nondefensively, with hands outreached to whatever lies ahead, for You hold the future and You will always be with me, even to my old age...and through all eternity."

 

 

Jeremiah 10:6

"There is none like Thee, O Lord; Thou art great, and great is Thy name in might."